


NOT THE LIFE IT SEEMS

by achemicalmess



Category: Frank Iero - Fandom, Frank Iero and the Future Violents (Band), Gerard Way - Fandom, Gerard Way and the Hormones, My Chemical Romance, frerard - Fandom
Genre: Frerard, Frerard Au, Frerard smut, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:00:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 26,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23420578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achemicalmess/pseuds/achemicalmess
Summary: What if Gerard had never witnessed the 9/11? What if he never started the band? Now he's in his 30s, with a 9-5 job, and a pregnant wife. He hates his life. Until he runs into someone from his past
Relationships: Frank Iero/Gerard Way, frerard - Relationship
Comments: 16
Kudos: 58





	1. CUBICLES

GERARD

How the fuck did I end up here? Yes, it's a nice job, they pay me well, I contribute to society, and it was a huge opportunity I could not pass. But long ago, I made a promise to myself that I would never work a 9 to 5 or work for the man. But then, Jackie got pregnant so I had to take it. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be if I did things different. What if my career as comic book artist had actually taken off? What if I had formed that band that I wanted for so long? But no, I didn't have the guts. Now I'm stuck as a graphic designer for some shitty magazine. I'm stuck in a tiny cubicle in the 11th floor of an office building in New Jersey. I never made it out of here. I'm stuck making designs for others, answering emails and going to meetings. I hate my life. 'Hey!' someone calls me. It's Mark, my cubicle neighbor, and the most annoying pain in the ass in the whole office. 'No sleeping on the clock.' I was not sleeping. Okay, maybe I was. 'The boys and me are going out tonight,' he continues. 'You're coming?' He always tries to convince me to join them for drinks even though they know I'm a recovering alcoholic. Besides, I hate people, and they know that too. 'I don't know –' I say. I'm not the best liar, and I don't how else to tell them so they can understand. 'I have to go to the doctor with Jackie tomorrow –' 'We won't take long, I promise. And you're free to go whenever you want.' 'You know I shouldn't even be out drinking.' 'Aren't you – like completely recovered?' 'It doesn't work like that.' There's silence for a minute but he really can't stay quiet. 'You don't even have to drink. I'm sure they have Coke.' He's not taking no for an answer. 'Fine. Just this once, if you promise to leave me the fuck alone after this.' 'Fine. Meet us at nine. I'll text you the name of the place.' Fuck. What did I do?

******************************************************************

FRANK

I'm trying really hard not to fall asleep but it's impossible when we haven't had a single customer today. 'At what time you got home last night?' my dad asks from his seat while polishing a drumkit. 'Two.' 'That's not good.' 'Well, I need the job. You're already helping me a lot with this, but it's not enough to pay the bills. And there's the wedding.' 'You don't have to throw a huge party, you know?' 'But that's what Jamia wants. And it's for her.' 'If that girl stayed with you with that awful mustache, she's gonna stick with you no matter what.' 'That's why I want to marry her and give her the wedding of her dreams.' Thinking about her made me smile so big. We've been dating for the longest time, and we both want to start a family. I wish I had more to give her. I wish I had made it so she could have the house of her dreams. But I'm just a tiny loser with two shitty jobs – one of them in my dad's music shop – who lives in a tiny apartment, and the fact she's stuck with me says a lot.

**********************************************************************

GERARD 

I get to the bar just past nine thirty, and everyone from the office is already there. Between my shower, having dinner with Jackie and traffic, I barely made it. Not that anyone's excited to see me. Not even Mark. So I don't know what I'm doing here. We sit by the end of the bar, and I focus on eating my buffalo wings to avoid the temptation. They all talk about office stuff, the last thing I wanna hear when I'm off the clock, so I check my phone. About forty minutes in, someone from staff announces that a mini acoustic show is about to start. 'Without further ado,' the old man says. 'I introduce you, one of our own, Frankie.' Everyone claps, even though we don't know what is happening, and this short dude comes onstage, carrying an acoustic guitar. He has short hair and a mustache, and he's wearing the black shirt the other servers are wearing. 'Hello,' he says nervously to the microphone. 'Thanks for letting me do this, Tony. I owe you. Anyway, so thanks for being here, even though you probably don't wanna listen to a random guy sing while you're drinking. I'm sorry. So my name is Frank, and here are some songs I've written.' So he finishes tuning his guitar, and then starts playing. 'This is about my girlfriend.' To be honest, he can actually sing. And though his songs are kinda sad, he's really good. Wait a minute – I think I – No, it can't be – But it's him. I know him. It's been like seven or eight years, but yes, it's definitely him. Fuck.


	2. THE KIDS FROM YESTERDAY

FRANK

I'm halfway through my second song, when I notice this guy in the back.

It's been a while since a guy caught my eye, but I just can't stop looking at him. Even from afar, he's cute. I'm so distracted I mess up the lyrics to the song, but it's a good thing nobody knows them.

Fuck, he must have noticed because now he turned around, his back facing me. This is embarrassing.

I continue as normal and play three more songs, which was what Tony agreed to let me play. Only two people and my coworkers cheer, and that's my cue to get off stage, where they're waiting for me with a tray of drinks to keep doing my job.

An old couple tells me they liked my songs, and a guy tells me I'm a better server than I am a singer. Fuck him. It takes all I have in me to not punch him in the face. So I just take a deep breath and keep walking, straight to the bar, and hand the tray to Mandi, my coworker. 'That asshole is lying,' someone says. I turn to my right, and oh surprise it's the cute guy. Fuck. No, I did not say cute. 'I like your voice.' I try not to show how nervous I am right now, but it's impossible. I'm sure I'm red as a fucking tomato, and he noticed.

'Thanks,' I say, avoiding eye contact, and pretending to clean the counter.

'I'm serious,' he says. I'm still not looking his way, but it seems all his friends are gone. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. 'But you know what song I liked the most?' I don't respond. 'I Hate Everything I Do.'

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

I do have a song called that, but I wrote it like a million years ago, and not many people know about it, or all the songs I wrote around that time.

No fucking way!

Except –

Yes, fucking Way!

I turn around and really look at him. He has longish hair now, but he hasn't changed much.

It's not just any cute guy, it's – Gerard Fucking Way.

We met long ago. I was still playing with Hambone and the guys, and him and his brother would hang out with Alex and everyone a lot. And yes, I had the biggest crush on him back then, but that was it. I never dared to act on it.

Whatever.

What a fucking coincidence!

'Gee?!' I say, as if I'm not shaking on the inside.

'It's so good to see you, man!' He immediately gets up and wraps me in a hug. Nope, I'm with Jamia now. 'I'd say you've grown up since the last time I saw you, but you haven't.'

'Fuck you.' I pull away from the hug. 'How long has it been?'

'A fucking lot,' he says with that cute smile and those shiny eyes.

*****************************

GERARD

Out of everyone I'd ever expect to run into, the last one I ever thought was Frankie.

There was a time when me and my brother Mikey would spend a lot of time going to parties and local concerts. And Frankie was always there. He had a band, and they were really good, and he was always the sweetest motherfucker. We hit it off right away, and we'd drink and smoke pot and talk about nonsense for hours. We'd share each other's songs and stories, and got pretty close, and I swear if it wasn't because I moved to NYC, I don't know what else would have happened.

Frankie somehow convinced his boss to let him take his break right now, so we're sitting in a booth by the corner, sharing a bowl of chips with salsa. 'You want another drink?' he asks me.

'It's just Coke.' There's a moment of silence where we just look at each other. Does he have any idea that I liked him? I mean, he still looks cute with that mustache, but I have a wife now. 'So –' I start, afraid he's gonna see how nervous I am. 'How's life?'

He laughs, and I can't help but smile. He has the cutest laugh. 'Not much. All the bands I was in broke up, so I had to give up at one point. I didn't even finish college, so I've worked here and there, nothing steady.'

'What? Why? No! You had so much potential! Don't give up!'

'Well, I was usually the only one excited about music. They all moved on. I only started playing again earlier this year.'

'That's so sad!' It is. This guy had so much passion for music! If only someone had seen it and put it to good use! 'What about – what was her name?' I do remember her name, but I take a sip from my Coke and pretend I don't.

'Jamia? Oh, we're still together. Hopefully we're gonna get married next year.'

I almost choke. She was nice, but I can't lie if I say it didn't hurt a little when I saw him with her.

'What about you, man? You must have a hundred comic books published by now...'

I shake my head.

'WHAT?!'

I try not to laugh.

'But you're so good! You must have at least something published.'

'Nope. Well – I put up something online a while ago, but no one really noticed, so.' I try to shrug it off but it does hurt to admit you're a failure.

'Oh, my fucking God! That makes me so angry!' It's funny to see his reaction. No one had ever said that about my stuff.

'I tried. But no one liked anything I did, so I gave up.'

'I get you.' He looks down for a second, and points at my hand. 'You're married now?'

I smile, because I can't help it. I'm not gonna lie, I'm happily married. 'Oh – and I'm gonna be a dad.'

His face brightens up out of nowhere. 'That's so fucking awesome! I'm so happy for you!' He gets up to gives me a hug, which almost makes me cry. I forgot how much he loved to give hugs. 'Well, man. Gotta go back to work. I guess I'll see you.'

'Yes, man. It was great seeing you!'

'Great to see you! Congrats on the baby!'

'Congrats on the wedding!' He hugs me one more time, and gets back to work. I leave and hope he didn't see me almost crying.


	3. LOOK ALIVE, SUNSHINE

FRANK

'Wakey, wakey!' a voice wakes me up in the distance. I half open my eyes, but the sun is too bright, so I go back to sleep. But the voice calls me again. 'Honey, breakfast is ready!' The voice is closer, like right in my ear. 'Baby, it's almost noon. I know you got home really late, but you have to wake up.' Sweet Jamia. I love seeing her first thing when I wake up, and how she takes care of me. I can't wait to get married and spend the rest of my life with her.

'Just give me five more minutes,' I groan.

'Only if you tell me what you were dreaming about...' I give her a confused look, cause I really have no idea what she's talking about. With her pinky she does this thing where it starts to go all the way up.

Fuck.

I try to laugh it off because whatever it was that I dreamed of must be embarrassing. I'm a twenty-seven-year-old man, for fucks sake. I shouldn't be talking about this, not even with my long-time girlfriend. Especially not when I kinda remember what it was about –

Nope, now I'm thinking about him again.

'I honestly don't remember,' I lie. Now I need another five minutes.

'Fine,' she finally says, and gets up. 'Get ready and I'll wait for you.'

Luckily she leaves the room, so I can fix my situation. Fuck. I see the man for the first time in ages and dream about him?

When I finally join Jamia in the dining room, she's almost done with her pancakes. 'I'm sorry,' I say. 'I had to use the bathroom really quick.'

'How was work last night? Sorry I was asleep when you came home.'

'Meh.'

'Don't meh me. How was your performance?'

'I don't know. People still don't like it.'

'Maybe you're just not singing to the right audience.'

'Maybe.' It's killing me that I can't tell her I ran into Gerard. I know it's not a big deal, but I know if I tell her, she'll know something's up, and the reason of my erec - I can't even say it.

But I remember back then, when I first met him, she knew I liked him, and she even asked me if I had something to tell her. Which I obviously denied. So I'm not going to ruin this great relationship for a stupid crush I had when I was 20. I'll probably never see him again.

********************************************

GERARD

Jackie and I have been baby shopping for an hour, and so far, only bought a baby blanket. She's only four months pregnant, though. But I'm done for today.

To be honest, despite me wanting to be a dad since I can remember, I'm not ready for it. I don't feel I'm mature enough to take care of another human, and though I love Jackie and I couldn't be happier to be married to her, sometimes all of this feels too much for me and I just wanna run away and hide, and with a baby that'll be impossible. So I have five months to get my shit together.

I met Jackie when I was at my lowest. I was drinking all the time, feeling more a failure than I do now. None of my dreams took off. And this beautiful bartender saved me and did her best to help me get better. She took me to rehab and stood with me after. I don't deserve her. Now we're going to have a child, and my mind can't fathom I'm alive and I created a life.

'You've been so anxious for the past week,' she tells me while we do the dishes after dinner. I just nod. 'Are you taking your meds?' I nod again.

The reason I'm anxious is Frankie, of course. He shook my life around, and now I'm questioning things again. But now the stakes are higher. I have a family, for fuck's sake.

And yet, I can't help myself and go back to Tony's on Friday night. This time, without the other people from the office. And luckily for me, Frank is working today.

He almost runs to me when he sees me and hugs me, making this even more difficult. 'You're back!' he says.

'Hey!' I don't want to look like I'm here just for him, but why else would I be here? I didn't think this through.

'Coke, right?'

He remembered! I nod, and he goes to the back while I take a sit at the bar. I take a deep breath to hide the anxiety. He comes back and brings me the Coke. 'Thanks, man!'

'No worries, and it's on the house.' He's starting to walk back to the kitchen, but then turns around. 'Hey – I have less than an hour left of my shift. You wanna hang out afterwards?'

Shit.

Is he asking –

Nah, it's just a bro asking another bro to hang out. 'Yeah, that sound good.' I text Jackie that I'm hanging out at Mikey's. She never questions that. By the time Frank walks out of the kitchen, I'm sweating like a pig. Oh, and he's not wearing the black shirt anymore, just a plain gray t-shirt. Great.

'C'mon.' I follow him outside, and he's already bringing out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one and offers me another. 'You still smoke?'

'I shouldn't, but –' I take one. He lights it, his hand touching mine, and shivers run down my spine. I notice his tattoos. He has tons more now. One with Jamia's name on one hand. 'You're not playing today?' I ask him.

He shakes his head. 'After last week's fail? He's not letting me playing again.'

'And you're gonna give up that easy?'

'That easy? I've been knocking doors for months, holding auditions for bands, going to auditions myself. I'm either too old or too young. Maybe that's a sign.'

'So you're just going to give up and what? Work here for the rest of your life? Or –?' I can't let him give up. I have never seen someone with so much talent and so much passion, and he can't just throw it away.

'I don't know, okay?!' he yells.

'I'm sorry.'

There's a moment of silence, and me, not knowing what to say, I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. 'I've always wanted to play guitar, but I suck at it.' He just laughs. 'I'm not kidding. I'm awful.'

'You want me to teach you?'

I take a drag of the cigarette. 'Yeah, why not?' I say, shrugging.

'C'mon, then.' I follow him to his car, which is what I imagine he'd be driving, and he takes me to this music shop. Iero Music Gear. 'It's my dad's,' he says. 'But I have my own room in the back, where I can rehearse or – do whatever I want.' We go through the back door, and right next to it, we walk into a small rehearsal space filled with amps, electric guitars and a TV. He opens the window right away, and goes look in one of the drawers. 'Tadah!' A joint. It's been so long since the last time I smoked.

'You're prepared!'

'You must think I haven't changed, and I'm still a pothead loser, and well, you're right.'

'No! I don't think that! Gimme that!' He does, and I light it. 'Besides, I am the big loser here.'

We share the joint and talk about life and those good days when everything seemed okay. 'Remember when you guys played at that venue and they kicked you out because they thought you were fifteen?' I say.

He laughs. 'That happened more often than not.' We reminisce about shows, people we haven't seen in ages, and other memories. And then he says, 'So I thought we were here because you wanted to learn to play guitar.'

'Oh, yeah, right?' Or maybe because I wanted to be around him a little longer.

He gets up, and grabs one of his acoustic guitars, takes two seconds to tune it, and hands it to me. I take it, not sure how you even hold one, so he has to take my hands and place them where they go, each finger pressing a different string. But all I can think of is the electricity I feel when his hand touches mine. 'There. Strum it.' I do as he says, and he celebrates. 'That's a C.' We go through another couple chords, and he tells me how to strum. 'Now, my friend, you have all you need to know to write a song.'

We stay in silence for another five minutes while he puts the guitar back. Uncomfortable moments like this give me a ton of anxiety, and me being me, I don't know what to say. But I can't stand the silence so I have to say something. 'So I was thinking – you and Jamia would want to go on a double date with Jackie and me?' I don't know why I said that. Me and Jackie don't do stuff like that, but maybe we could start. We could all be friends. We don't really have any friends other than our own family, so this could be good. And it's the only way to have Frank in my life.

'Really?' he says, smiling as usual. 'That sounds good. We don't really have a lot of friends now that everyone's married with kids – oh, sorry.' We both laugh of embarrassment, and there's more silence. 'Sure. When?'

'I'm thinking next week. I'll let you know depending on her schedule.'

'Cool.' He takes a piece of paper from the desk, and writes down his phone number. 'Here. Text me.'

'Awesome.'

And then, he throws himself at me and hugs me. 'I missed you, man,' he says, almost crushing my bones.

I missed you too.


	4. THE HOST

FRANK

_Saturday @ 7pm._

The text says. Followed by Gerard’s address.

I still haven’t told Jamia he invited us over for dinner. How exactly do you tell your fiancée that you ran into a friend you had feelings for and he's back in your life? There’s no way. But also there’s no way to tell said friend that you can’t tell your fiancée about the dinner because she knows you like him.

I’m fucked.

During the last four hours of my shift, all I can think of is, how am I gonna tell them.

When I get home, Jamia is watching TV in the living room. ‘Hey, babe,’ I tell her, trying to hide my anxiety. ‘Let me take a quick shower before joining you, okay? I smell like shit.’ I give her a quick kiss, and head to the shower. All this thinking about you know who got me hard, so I’m killing two birds with one stone. When I finally join Jamia, feeling like a whole new man, I take her bag of chips, and act casual. ‘Hey, I forgot to tell you. You know who I ran into the other day?’ I’m looking at the TV, as if it’s no big deal, while she gets comfy and puts her arms around me, and rest her head in my belly. She doesn’t answer, so I continue before I get anymore anxious. ‘Gerard. Remember him?’

She immediately looks up at me, giving me a don’t you start look. Of course, she remembers him. And of course she knows I know she knows. But I’ve learned to choose my battles, so I play dumb.

‘Well, he and his wife invited us over for dinner on Saturday.’ I make sure to emphasize the wife part so she remembers he was also straight, and now married.

‘He got married?’

‘Yeah. And they’re having a baby.’

‘Aww. I’m so happy for him.’ I know she’s also happy because now he’s taken, so we can’t be together. As if that was ever an option. Besides, I have her, and I’d never leave her. We continue watching the movie in silence, leading me to believe she’s thinking about it. We have now switched places, and I’m resting my head on her lap, and out of nowhere she starts with the questions again. ‘So, where did you see him?’

I know she's trying to know more. ‘At work. He was there with his coworkers. I didn’t recognize him until he called me.’ Which is true. I hadn’t thought about the guy in ages.

‘And he just casually invited you?’

‘Yeah. He said they don’t have a lot of friends, and said we should come over for dinner. That’s it.’ I’m not lying, just modifying the truth a little.

‘Fine. I’m gonna have to go buy something nice tomorrow, though.’

I was about to say she looks great in anything, which is the absolute truth, but I thought better about it. I don’t want her to think I’m excited about seeing Gee. ‘You want me to come with you?’ I ask instead.

‘Nah. I want to surprise you too.’

‘Ooh, like a sexy surprise?’ I can’t complain about that.

************************

GERARD

There was a knock on the door barely minutes after seven. Damn, they’re punctual.

I wasn’t expecting them this early, even though it’s all ready, because I couldn’t think about anything else all day. But I just didn’t think they would actually arrive on time.

Am I overthinking? Maybe.

Am I having an anxiety attack? Most likely.

Fuck. I need to go open the door. ‘Coming!’ I yell. And there they are, Jamia and Frank, and I suddenly remember all those parties, when she was always with him, and I’m still jealous. Jamia looks beautiful, as usual. She’s wearing a dress and high heels! And Frank – fuck! Frank is wearing jeans and a dress shirt – I’m sure Jamia made him put that on – and he still has that damn mustache that makes him look ridiculously adorable. ‘Hey!’ I go for a hug, and notice how Frank puts his arm around me, barely touching me, and pats my back before quickly walking in.

'Sorry we're a little late,' Frank says. 'She hadn't seen me looking this good in a while, so we had to - you know.'

Don’t show your emotions, don’t let him see it hurt. I pretend it was nothing and hug Jamia. ‘It’s so nice to see you! You look just the same! Wow!’

She laughs, and I can’t help wondering if she ever noticed me staring at her boyfriend back then. Or two minutes ago. ‘Don’t say that. And look at you! You finally grew out of that baby face!’ I hope that was a compliment.

A second later, Jackie is walking out of the bedroom, so that’s my cue to introduce everyone. ‘Hey, guys!’ I say, a little too excited maybe. ‘This is my very pregnant wife, Jackie. Jackie, these are Frank and Jamia.’

‘It’s so nice to meet you,’ Jackie says, sweet as always. ‘Gerard told me so much about you!’

‘Oh, really?’ both Jamia and Frank say in unison.

‘Yeah! He says you’ve been together for the longest time, and he always wanted something like what you have.’

‘Aww! That’s so sweet of you, dude!’ Frank says, and I just hope to God I’m not blushing.

Soon, we move to the dining room. ‘I don’t know if you noticed,’ I start. ‘But we don’t do this often. So be patient.’ We made vegan spaghetti, and got some board games and for the next hour, we talk about the good times, while eating. Jamia and Jackie have their own conversation about wedding stuff, and the baby, and it makes me smile that they get along so well. Maybe this plan is going to work after all.

We play UNO, and catch up on the past seven years, growing up and adult shit. Is this how it is for everyone? Getting married and all. Is this is as fun as it gets?

But I can’t complain.

‘So how did you guys meet?’ Jackie asks, curious.

Frank and I look at each other for a second. Does he remember? Because I do, as if it was yesterday. ‘A party?’ I say, playing dumb.

‘Yep,’ Frank continues. ‘I was in a band. And the record label guys threw this random parties every once in a while, and he and his brother were there a lot.’

He does. ‘Yeah, Mikey was friends with some of the guys there.’

‘Wow! That’s pretty cool!’ Jackie says. I rarely talk about those days so I had never told her about Frank, for obvious reasons. She knows I – experimented a little, but that’s as far as she needs to know. ‘And you were there too?’ she asks Jamia.

‘Yeah,’ she says. ‘I was already dating Frank, and I worked with the label too.’

Soon, we start talking about baby stuff, names, and all that. They mention they want kids too. I can picture it. Our kids growing up together. Us getting together for family barbecues once a month. If that’s all I'm gonna get with him, I guess I’m okay.

But sometimes I wish it was us having kids together. Growing all together.

**************

FRANK

‘That was nice,’ Jamia mentions as we’re driving back home. ‘We should do this often.’

And I couldn’t agree more.

She doesn’t mention anything about me having a thing for Gerard, or what happened in the past. Maybe she thinks it’s all in the past and I’ve moved on.

If she only knew I still imagine what would have happened if I had dared to kiss him that one night years ago. I sometimes imagine what life would be with him. And the thought makes me smile.


	5. HAPPY TOGETHER

FRANK

I’m halfway through my shift on Sunday, back doing dishes because our dishwasher called in sick, when Tony calls me to the front. ‘Someone’s here looking for you,’ and my first thought is, my mom, something happened and she can’t reach me. Or Jamia, for whatever reason. So I hurry up.

And who do I find standing by the bar? Gerard.

I take a breath, and hide my nervousness as I walk up to him. ‘Hey, man!’ I say more confused than anything. What can be so urgent to come and see me? ‘What happened? You have my phone number, why didn’t you text me?’

His smile fades instantly and now he’s frowning, regretting being here. Fuck, I shouldn’t have said that. ‘I was just –’

‘I’m just kidding, man… come here!’ Fuck, that was close. But now I have an excuse to hug him.

I saw him last night, but it wasn’t the same with Jamia and his wife there.

‘I had to get some stuff, and since Jackie went to visit her parents, I decided to come and say hi.’ Wow. Just like that.

I don’t know how to react to that.

‘Hey, I’m almost done with the dishes,’ I say. ‘Give me ten minutes, and we’ll go for a smoke.’ I tell them to give him a Coke, as I go and finish my work, and use that time to take another deep breath. Or more like ten. I know he’s just here because he needs a friend, and maybe with a pregnant wife he can’t smoke at home. But I’m cool with that. I just need to learn to chill in front of him.

When I’m done, still anxious as fuck, I wash my hands and go change to my own shirt in the employee’s restroom. ‘I’m taking my break, is that okay?’ I ask Tony, and he just nods, and I head to the lobby. ‘Wanna go outside?’ I ask Gerard, mostly because I’m fucking nervous, and trying to calm down. He follows me, and we walk to the ally behind the restaurant. I offer him a cigarette, before lighting mine. ‘Jamia said last night was nice,’ I blurt out. ‘She really liked Jackie.’

‘Really?’ he sounds almost surprised. ‘I’m glad to hear that.’ There’s a moment of silence, and it’s obvious neither of us knows what to say. We’d never thought one day we’d be hanging out like this, having dinners with our wives – or future wife, in my case –. So I guess this is weird. ‘Well, yeah, yesterday was nice. You guys can come over any time, just let me know so I can clean the house.’

‘Thanks.’ What else can I say? Yeah, maybe I will when your wife isn’t home. Fuck, this is harder than I thought. And no, I’m not talking about my dick.

Then he laughs, which catches me off guard. ‘To be honest, I never thought this would be our lives.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I don’t know – when we met, we were so young, and we thought everything was possible, and I really thought I’d be a comic book artist by now, and you’d be in a famous band. We had so much potential, man!’

He’s right, and I think about it a lot, which isn’t good because it always triggers my depression. And I know I shouldn’t be glad I’m not the only one, but maybe that’s what it means to grow up. And it’s fucking unfair and sad. ‘Aren’t you happy?’ I ask out of nowhere. It kinda feels nice to have someone to talk about this. ‘With your life?’

‘You want the truth?’ I nod. ‘I love Jackie, and I love that I’m gonna be a dad. But everything else?’ He shrugs. ‘Most days I’m about this close to start drinking again, and I hate that.’

‘I hear you.’

‘Are you happy?’ he asks, and it throws me off.

‘I don’t know if I’ve ever been happy.’ It hurts to admit it, because I try my best. It seems it comes natural to everyone, but I have to make an effort, and it’s still not enough. ‘But having Jamia around is good. But I miss playing music.’ I also can’t stop thinking about you, dumbass. And you confuse me, and make me think about leaving my fiancée and running away with you.

‘Then, why don’t you?’

‘Because nobody wants to listen.’

‘What the fuck? Who said that? Just keep trying.’ Him encouraging me is enough to make me smile. I’d throw myself off a cliff if he asks me, to be honest. ‘One day someone will hear your songs and it’ll help them go through a difficult time, who knows? You can’t give up now.’

‘Fine. Thanks.’ I take another cigarette to occupy my hands and I don’t throw myself at him. ‘You can stop by anytime, if you wanna talk, you know?’ I say. That’s the best way I could find to say, please stick around, I want to be with you without being too direct. ‘I love that our girls get along, and all that, but this is nice too. Having someone who understands, and just talk, you know?’

‘Yeah.’ I hope he sees me as a friend he can talk to. Even if it’s just about his wife and baby. I can be whatever he wants me to be.

******************

GERARD

Frank is seriously the best. I’m glad we found each other, because besides the whole having a crush on him, he’s a really nice guy, and I know him offering his friendship is sincere. And I do need a friend, to be honest. I’ve never found it easy to make friends, not in school, not after. The fact that I got along with him when we were young and that it was so easy to talk to him, surprised me more than anyone else. So having him back in my life is the best thing that could have happened.

If only I could control my little friend down there every time I’m around Frank.

But I take his word, and though we make plans to hang out with the wives for next weekend, I stop by Tony’s on Wednesday after getting out of the office, and we smoke together during his break, and try to convince him to get back to playing music, maybe start a band himself. ‘Only if you start drawing again,’ he insists.

‘Deal.’

I stop by again on Friday, and then again on Monday. He tells me he called his friend, and asked him if he knows of anyone who’s in a band, and he told him he might be working on something himself, but they don’t have a singer. ‘Please tell me you said yes,’ I tell him.

‘You think I’m that easy?’

I just give him a look.

‘Of course I said yes.’

I seem to be more excited than him, hugging him, and yelling, but I’m sure he already did when he got the call. ‘See? I told you! What if you hadn’t called him because of your pride?’

He just laughs. ‘Well, thanks for encouraging me. Is that what you wanna hear?’ I nod. ‘Now I just have to write some lyrics too.’

We see each other a couple more days over the week, and on Saturday, we take the girls to the movies.

I like this.

**************

FRANK

So Gerard is coming every other day to hang out during my break. And he doesn’t know, but he’s making everything better, just by being my friend.

He convinced me to get back to music, and now I’m gonna be in a band thanks to him. I wish I could tell him how he makes my life so much better.

As part of the deal, he’s drawing again, and sometimes, when we’re outside smoking, he draws on napkins, or receipt paper. What he doesn’t know is that I’ve kept all the drawings. I showed him a couple of the songs I wrote, but only because the rest talk about being in love with someone you can’t have, and what if he realizes I’m talking about him?

I don’t want to lose his friendship.

It’s the only thing keeping me alive.

We go from seeing each other a couple days a week, to every day in less than a month, and I’m totally okay with that. I just need to control myself and not look at him as if I’m in a desert and he’s a bottle of water. But it’s not easy. He has the most perfect face.

His nose is so cute I want to pinch it.

And his lips.

I hear him talking about comics, and a new character he drew, but all I can think of is…

His lips.

And that’s it.

That’s when I lose all control, and I press my lips against his.

My brain is yelling at me for being so stupid. I know I shouldn’t have. There’s the fact he’s married, with a kid on the way. And I have Jamia!!! No!

This shouldn’t be happening!

But his lips are so soft –

God! It’s better than I thought!

I force myself to pull away, but still can’t make eye contact with him. ‘I’m so sorry…. I shouldn’t have done that –‘ is all I can mutter, hiding my face in embarrassment.

I wait for him to say something, to run away, leave me alone. React! But he doesn’t.

I finally dare to look at him, for a second, and he’s just standing there, blushing, mouth open in surprise. But I can’t read his reaction. Is he surprised I turned out to be kinda gay and I like him? Is he disgusted? Did he like it? ‘Say something, for fuck’s sake,’ I almost yell.

But he doesn’t.

Instead, he lifts my head with his finger, and kisses me. Tongue and all.

I manage to smile because I can’t believe this is happening, and run my fingers through his hair while I kiss him back.


	6. YOUR KISS IS FILLED WITH FIRE

GERARD

I don’t know what’s happening.  
I never thought this would be possible.  
But my tongue is inside Frank’s mouth.   
We’re kissing – no, we’re full on making out in the back ally of the bar he works at. He has me against the wall, his hand going under my shirt. I pull him closer, and keep my hands on the sides of his stomach because I don’t know what else to do.   
What the fuck is happening?!  
I don’t want to break the kiss because I’m afraid this is going to be a dream – a very good one, by the way –.   
Out of nowhere, he just pressed himself against me and his lips were on mine. One second I was telling him about the comic I’m writing and the next his kissing me. And I’m obviously not against it, not at all.  
Just surprised.  
How? Does that mean he likes me too? For how long? Does it mean I had a chance way back then? Has he always been gay? Or bi or whatever? Fuck. My brain can’t stop even in the middle of the best kiss I’ve ever got.   
‘What?’ he asks as we pull away because I couldn’t help laughing thinking about all of it.   
‘Nothing,’ I say, still laughing. His face doesn’t help. He’s looking at me as if I just killed his dog. ‘I’m just – thinking –’  
‘Thinking?’ I nod. ‘About?’  
‘This. How I’ve never kissed someone with a mustache.’  
‘Are you making fun of my mustache?’ he acts like he’s offended.  
I shake my head. ‘Honestly, I fucking love the mustache. It looks sexy on you.’ God! It felt good to get that out of my chest, and I’m making him blush, and he’s even more adorable. ‘No. I was thinking about how I’ve been wanting to kiss you since I met you, and after all these years, we run into each other, and we’re – and then you –‘  
‘Wait – you what?’ He’s even more confused than before. It’s too adorable. ‘You mean you’ve always –.’ I nod again. ‘You’re not going to believe this but I’ve dreamed about doing this since the night we met.’ And then he kisses me again, and I’m done. I know we have – but I don’t want to think about them right now.   
‘So you’re –,’ he starts asking once we’re done making out in front of people. ‘You know.’  
‘I don’t know.’ I shrug. ‘I’ve never really thought about it. There have been other guys – during college. But I thought of it as experimenting. I wasn’t really in love or anything. Then I met you. And I was ready to come out to you, and tell you how I felt, but it wasn’t fair because you had Jamia, and I was sure you were straight.’  
He laughs. ‘You really thought that?’  
‘Yeah.’ I could look at him all day, but also I could do other stuff to him. ‘But then we didn’t see each other again until now, and you know.’ He nods. ‘You? Are –’  
‘I’m bi. I’ve known it for the longest time, but I’ve never really told anyone.’ I can’t help smiling. ‘Me and Jamia had just started dating, and I almost came out to her, but I was sure she knew I liked you. So that would have ruined everything.’ He looks sad out of nowhere. ‘Can you imagine? Only child in a catholic family, and I’m sort of gay and running away with a boy?’  
I can’t help asking. ‘And what about now? Why tell me now?’  
He shrugs. ‘Because I’m tired. I’m depressed. Most days I’m so medicated I feel numb. I love Jamia, and I love being with her, and I know I’m doing the correct thing in marrying her, and I want kids someday.’ I hug him because I know he needs it. He’s opening up to me. I know it isn’t easy. ‘And you have Jackie, and your baby’s coming, and I know this can’t happen, so I don’t know why I did it. I just didn’t want to die one day without having told you, you know.’   
I pull him closer, so our foreheads are leaning against each other. ‘I’m glad you did because I would have never dared and you made me feel something inside for the first time in I don’t know how long. And that was one of the best kisses I’ve ever got.’  
He smiles. ‘Well, duh! It’s me!’ How can you not fall in love with this dork? Why did I never tell him? We’d be married by now, or whatever.   
I fight the urge to press my lips against his again, because then it’ll be harder to get away from him. ‘So what now?’ he asks, catching me off guard.   
‘I don’t know.’   
‘Do we just go back to our lives, and never mention it again? Or –’  
I don’t know. But I know that now I’ve tasted his lips I don’t ever want to stop. But I have a family now. It’s not easy. ‘I don’t know.’   
‘They don’t need to know,’ he says, and then his tongue is inside my mouth again.   
And I couldn’t agree more.


	7. UNTIL YOU CAME THROUGH

FRANK

I don’t know what we’re doing exactly. But Gerard’s been stopping by the bar for the past three days, and we go to the back alley and make out.

A part of me knows what I’m doing is wrong. I’m cheating on Jamia, I’m making him cheat on his wife. It’s unforgivable.

But for once in my life, nothing seems to matter. When I’m kissing Gerard, nothing hurts, I don’t care about anything else. His lips have an effect that no antidepressant has, and when we’re this close I actually feel happy.

We haven’t really talked about it. Heck, we haven’t really talked. I see him waiting outside the bar, I clock out, and head outside. Our lips pressed together as soon as we see each other, and for half an hour our bodies stay close until it’s time to go.

We don’t have time to go anywhere else, and do anything else, and we don’t want to risk it and do it when I’m off work, let’s say. We don’t want neither Jamia or Jackie finding out. We still don’t know what we’re going to do. But for now, all I can think off is his pristine warm skin as my hands explore what’s under his shirt. All I care about is the feeling of his tongue inside me. I wish I could take off his pants, right here, right now, but there’s not a lot of places we can hide here, and people can see what we’re doing. I don’t want to get reported for public indecency, and then get arrested. How am I going to explain that to Jamia?

And just then, the alarm on my watch goes off.

Time to get back to work, back to the real world.

‘No,’ I whisper once we pull away. ‘I don’t want this to be over.’

‘It doesn’t have to end,’ Gerard says, between gasps. It makes me smile I leave him this breathless. ‘I’ll be back tomorrow, and the day after –’

‘I’m off tomorrow.’

‘I don’t think I’ll be able to wait.’

‘And I don’t know what excuse I’ll give Jamia to see you.’

‘You have that practice room.’ The way he says it, with that grin on his face. Oh, the possibilities. But that’s not the only problem. ‘You can tell her you’re teaching me to play guitar.’

I know that’s too risky. Me spending time alone with Gerard. I’m sure that even if Jamia doesn’t suspect there’s already something between us, she’ll know my feelings for him haven’t disappeared. But that’s the only way we can be together for now. So I nod.

‘So it’s a date?’

That’s tempting. I can’t help smiling at the thought, even though now the expectations are higher. I was just thinking a make out session on the couch, maybe doing a little more than making out. But now? I’m anxious, but mostly excited. ‘It’s a date.’

************************

GERARD

How am I supposed to tell Jackie I’m going out with Frank? She knows I hate my coworkers, so there’s no point in telling her that I’m going with them. Mikey is out of town, so I won’t even try that. So I tell her the first thing that comes to mind. ‘Hey – so Frank and his friends are rehearsing tonight, so I’m gonna hang out with them,’ I say over breakfast. ‘Is that okay?’

‘Of course it’s okay,’ she says. ‘Why wouldn’t it be?’

‘I’m just – it feels weird to have friends now. And I want to be with you, and watch movies.’

‘Don’t apologize. You’re allowed to have friends.’ And now I feel guilty for doing this to her.

I make it to Frank’s rehearsal room, not without having stopped for a bottle of Coke, and a bag of chips. Nothing romantic, I know. I thought about getting him flowers, but I didn’t know it that was too ridiculous. We’re fucking, not dating. Though I did say this was a date.

When I knock on the door, he opens immediately, and his mouth attacks mine the minute he sees me. I’m not opposed to that, obviously. I just leave my stuff on the table, and let him guide me to the couch. He falls on top of me, still not breaking the kiss, and I let his hands do whatever they want. One is pulling my hair, which I like, the other going for my crutch, over my jeans, but making me moan nonetheless. I’ve been wanting to do this for so long, and finally, we’re here.

In the same room, all by ourselves, aware enough that the other wants this too. I can’t even describe what I’m feeling right now. Excitement? Joy? Lust? All of it, and much more.

When he finally parts his lips from mine to get comfortable, we look at each other for a second, and we smile go big because we can’t believe this is real. ‘Hi,’ I say, for the first time.

‘Hi.’

I sit up and help him with his shirt, throwing it away somewhere, and I can’t help admiring his body for the first time. He’s a little chubby, in an adorable way. Very adorable. And his chest is covered with tattoos, just like his arms. I kiss every single one of them, lingering a little longer as I get closer to his neck. I’m careful not leave any marks though. I don’t want to get him in trouble. ‘Are you sure?’ I ask him.

He just nods, and we keep going.

**********************************

FRANK

I’m very nervous, to be honest. I’ve never been intimate with men. Not this intimate. There was this guy in college, and we both wanted to experiment, so we got really drunk before chickening out. He gave me a blow job, though. Anyway, this is different.

This is Gerard.

The one who actually made me question things, and not about whether I liked dicks or not. More like, feelings. The fact I’m sitting in front of him eight years later, our tongues in each other’s mouths, his hands going crazy with my love handles, is something I never thought would happen. But seriously, I’m sure he has a thing for them. If I knew getting fat would drive him crazy, I’d done it a long time ago, and show up at his door.

‘You want top or bottom?’ he asks me out of nowhere, bringing me out of a trance. I shrug, because I really don’t mind, although I’m kinda scared. I don’t know what to do. ‘Let me take care of you, okay?’ I nod.

He helps me with my pants, taking them off with such care you wouldn’t think he’s as horny as me right now. And that only makes me hornier. He looks down at my already hard boner, still hiding in my underwear, and smiles. Once the underwear is gone, he gently pushes me to the couch, and kisses me, starting with my lips, but going all the way down… until he – ah!

This feels so good.

I can’t even think straight right now. Get it?

Fuck!

I wish he kept doing that, but I know it’s only getting started. He stops for a second, and I want to open my eyes but I can’t. I hear noises, so I finally look up. He’s already naked, standing next to me, putting on the condom. And it looks – big. I’m scared.

‘You can still say no,’ he assures me.

But no, more than ever, I want him. ‘I’m fine.’

‘I won’t hurt you, I promise.’ I lie back down, and close my eyes. I’m eager, but not ready. I feel the burn inside me, but I know he’s just preparing me. And yet, it feels amazing. Shivers run down my spine, and I let out a moan. Before I know it, he’s inside me.

He starts slow, keeping his promise. He presses his lips to mine, trying to distract me from the pain, which I appreciate, and stays in that position so I can see his face, helping me. ‘You’re liking it?’ he asks me with a smile. I can barely nod, the pleasure already taking over me. The truth is – this is the best thing ever. ‘You want me to go faster?’ I nod again.

Fuck! Fuck!

I never thought it could get any better, but it did.

I let out all the curse words in my vocabulary, among loud moans, and I think he likes that.

Why didn’t I try this before?

**************************

GERARD

‘I don’t even know what to say,’ Frank says once we’re finished. We’re sitting in the couch, still naked, eating chips, and he can’t stop smiling. ‘I hadn’t ever come this much.’

I just laugh at his comment. ‘That can’t be true. But I didn’t go as hard cause I knew you were new at this, and I didn’t want to hurt you or make you limp tomorrow.’

‘Now you’re just showing off.’

He kisses me again, and I have to control myself or I’ll fuck him again. I already washed him off, taking care of him as I promised. We’d have to do it all again, and I’d rather not. Instead, I pull him so his head is resting on my lap, and caress his shoulders, while my fingers run though his hair, wishing it was him I could take care of for the rest of my life. ‘You think it’s crazy if I say I always wondered what our lives would be if I admitted to you that I liked you back then?’ I ask.

He smiles at me, blushing. ‘Nope. Because I wondered the same thing.’

‘Stop it! No!’

‘But it’s true. I always thought we’d probably start a band together, get married along the way. I know it’s not legal, but maybe get a place together, and act like an actual married couple. Adopt kids, or at least some dogs.’

While we sit by the picnic he set up, with a basket full of sandwiches and fruit, I tell him about my own fantasy. Where we’d run away and live on an RV, settle down somewhere in Europe, and live happily ever after. He laughs at me, and then asks, ‘Would you? Would you run away with me?’

‘I –’ Of course I want to say yes, but things are different now. My daughter will be here any minute. I can’t run away.

‘Don’t worry,’ he says, catching me off guard a little. ‘I understand. But I think we can figure out how to be together now.’ He smiles at me, in a way that makes me say fuck off, and run away with him in this very instant.


	8. XØ

FRANK

_Fuck._

_Fuck._

_Fuck._

I haven’t played in an actual band in front of a real audience in a while, and I’m supposed to walk out on stage in five minutes.

I’m shitting my pants.

Jamia hugs me to calm me down, but I can’t. ‘You’re going to do great!’ she says, hugging me from behind. And I hate myself for doing this to her, for everything I’ve done to her lately. For inviting Gerard here, when she’s the one who’s put up with me all this time, and the one who’s helped me the most. The one who’s seen me at my worst, and she’s still here.

I hug her back, and whisper _I love you_ in her ear, before turning around and following Hambone onstage.

We don’t know if this is going to work. I can walk out there and see two people, Jamia included, in the audience, but I promise himself I’d try no matter what. This isn’t about how many people are coming to see us. It’s about being in a band, and playing songs with my friends, and making people feel something.

So I focus on that. I yell the lyrics, letting out every feeling. It’s almost like therapy.

It’s not until after the second song that I look up at the audience from where I am lying on the floor and see a full house. I don’t know how we did it, I don’t know who Hambone had to pay to come, but the place is packed.

And there he is. Gerard.

Sitting in the very back, merely feet away from the same spot he sat that first time he saw him sing weeks ago. I still can’t believe where it’s led us.

I wish I could run to him.

But I have to control myself.

I use that energy on my performance, leaving everything in me on this stage. I crawl on the floor, scream on the verge of crying, until I feel better. Afterwards, we’re all in such a fucking high in the greenroom, we don’t even say a word, just start passing around beers and blunts. Jamia celebrates with us, too. ‘I’m so proud of you, babe,’ she says, stoned as fuck. I love her so much.

A minute later – or it could be an hour, I’m not sure –, Hambone returns from wherever the heck he was, and he has a guest with him. Gerard, obviously. ‘I saw him waiting in the corridor, so I told him to come with me,’ he says. Gerard just stands by the doorway, waving at me.

All the things I wish I could do to him.

But I can’t.

Hambone offers him a beer but he doesn’t take it. Instead, I throw a bottle of water and him, and he comes to sit closer to us. ‘Nice show, man!’ he says, lightly bumping my arm. I take that as him trying to convince everyone we’re just good friends, nothing else is happening here, but I know he’s nervous as hell. And I am, too. ‘I didn’t know you had that in you.’

‘Me neither, to be honest.’ I laugh.

‘How’s the band called by the way?’ he asks.

‘Leathermouth.’ He knows it. I told him when we first chose the name, I gave him a flyer. He’s just pretending. And I love that.

‘Where is Jackie?’ Jamia asks. ‘I thought she’d be coming with you.’

‘Oh, no. She’s been having a lot of contractions lately, the doctor told us the baby can come any minute now. I told her I’d only stop by for a second, she must be waiting for me.’

‘Aww.’ Jamia is really high, but her reaction is adorable. ‘Then why are you still here? Go! She needs you more than Frank.’

‘I appreciate it, though,’ I tell him. I know that’s a lie. Not about the baby coming soon. I know she’s in her last weeks, though I try not to think about it. But the excuse. We agreed to meet later tonight. He helped me to get here, I’m going to pay him in the best way I know.

But I need to know how we’ll get out of here.

Now I have to make an excuse to go to my rehearsal room, or somewhere else. Or send everyone away. He hugs me before leaving. ‘Congratulations,’ he says. ‘You deserve this.’

‘Thank you. And thank you for coming.’ As he’s walking through the door I yell, ‘And don’t forget to text me when your daughter is born!’

Somehow, I convince Jamia to leave with Paula, the guitarist’s girlfriend. ‘Hambone wants to go big in the whole celebration,’ I tell her. ‘And you know I can’t say no to that motherfucker.’ Which is true.

But twenty minutes later, I’m in the bathroom, faking to throw up, and tell everyone I’m going home, and they can continue.

As soon as I walk outside the building, I text Gerard. _where are u?_

 _Outside your rehearsal room,_ he replies.

I can’t drive in this condition, so I take a cab to my dad’s shop.

***

GERARD

It took him an eternity to get here, but I finally see Frank approaching.

It takes everything in me not to pull him closer and push my tongue inside him.

‘Hey,’ he says, standing right in front of me, and now it’s even harder to fight the urge. ‘I’m sorry I’m late, I –’ I don’t care. I put my arms around his neck and kiss him.

He’s still in his white pants and shirt, all dirty and sweaty from the show. Even better. And I can’t resist his damn mustache. ‘Fuck, I needed that,’ I say.

‘Me too.’ He quickly opens the door for me, and we walk inside, straight to his couch. If it could talk –

We’d been hooking up in this room, at least every other day for two weeks, since that first time, making dumb excuses to see each other. I tell Jackie I’m with Mikey. He tells Jamia he’s practicing. But the more we see each other, the more I fall for him.

And how not?

He’s perfect! Every bit of his skin, his mind, his tongue inside me. Fuck!

I try not to think as he sucks me. I want to enjoy every minute of it.

‘I want you – inside me,’ I gasp. He looks at me surprised. He enjoys when I fuck him a little too much, and I love seeing that, so I hadn’t dared ask.

But I can’t wait any longer. ‘Please – now!’ He hesitates, not sure what to do, and grabbing a condom. ‘No! I want you to come inside me.’

‘But –’

‘We just got tested, remember? It’s not like you’re gonna get me pregnant.’ He just nods, and starts applying the lube. ‘NOW!’ I demand.

Fuck, he feels so good.

Once he comes, we switch. He’s such a whore sometimes. I wonder how he made it all this time. And just as I’m about to come myself, my phone rings.

I ignore it, eager to make Frank feel the best he’s ever felt. He’s almost there.

But then, it rings again. And again.

So, I have to take it.

Frank just looks at me with shame as I pull out and reach for my phone. ‘Baby – it’s coming. She’s coming. I’m on my way to the hospital,’ she says, sobbing. ‘My mom’s driving me. I’ll see you there.’

I don’t know what to say.

I don’t have anything else to say.

I just put on my clothes, and walk to the door. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I say. And once the door is closed, I can hear Frank’s cries. 


	9. MY LOVENOTE HAS GONE FLAT

FRANK

It went from the best thing that could ever happen to me, to the worst ever.

I don’t even know how long I’ve been sitting in this couch, feeling sorry for myself.

And the worst thing is I can’t even tell Jamia why I’m feeling depressed. _Hey, Gerard and Jackie just had their baby so me and Gerard can’t fuck anymore._ Yeah, no.

I already had to make up a lame excuse when I didn’t come home the other day. Now that I haven’t moved from the same spot, haven’t showered, and been crying for a couple days, there’s nothing I can say that won’t make her suspicious.

She does know I’ve been depressed for the longest time, she does know I have these weird days when I dissociate, so maybe she thinks it’s one of those days. And for now, I’m okay with that.

When I came home yesterday, she “gave me the news” about the baby, and I faked a smile, hoping it wasn’t too obvious I cried all night because of said news. I called in sick at work, and told Jamia I was just feeling off, and she didn’t ask questions.

But I know the longer I wait, the worse it’ll get.

‘Frank, honey,’ Jamia says, taking a seat next to me. I can’t even look at her. ‘Are you okay? Have you been taking your meds?’

‘Yeah – I just –’ I can’t even finish the sentence before I’m crying again. She pulls me in her arms, and hugs me tight. God, I don’t deserve her.

***

GERARD

Emily was born at 2:10 in the morning.

I’m a dad.

I can’t believe I’m a dad.

I went from excited to scared then confused and back to scared in a matter of minutes after they handed me my daughter. But most of all, I’m in love.

I’ve never felt so much love than what I feel now.

The fact that there’s a human being – IN MY ARMS – that was created by a part of me, is fucking nuts!

Soon, Mikey and my parents are here and I start to freak out. ‘I don’t know how to be a dad,’ I say. ‘What am I supposed to do?’

‘I didn’t know either before you were born,’ my dad says.

‘And look at me! I don’t want this for my daughter!’

‘You’ll be okay,’ Mikey assures me. ‘It’s normal to be scared.’

‘But you’re not me, Mikey!’

‘I know. But you helped raising me, so that says something.’

Jackie is doing good, and they think she’ll be discharged tomorrow morning, as well as Emily. I can’t stop looking at them, so pure, and perfect. Unlike me, Jackie was born to be a mom. She seems so happy and at ease.

While I was fucking my best friend just hours ago. Fuck, I’m the worse. They don’t deserve someone like me.

‘Gerard, come here,’ Jackie calls me. I sit next to her on the bed. ‘Hold her.’ She hands me the baby, trusting me way too much. I don’t even trust myself. And the moment I have Emily in my arms, I can swear she’s smiling at me. I know babies this young can’t smile, but I can swear she is. My little perfect baby.

Tears are rolling down my eyes, because I can’t comprehend how this is possible.

She’s so perfect.

She can’t be mine.

‘I love you,’ I say to her, and I mean it.

Mikey and I go for a cigarette outside. He knows I’m trying to quit, but this is a special occasion. I have a child!

‘Everything okay?’ he asks, knowing me too well.

‘Yeah, I’m a dad! I’m just nervous I’ll screw it up.’

‘I would be too.’ There’s a long silence, and I’m already going for my second cigarette. ‘I know that’s not all, though.’

‘What are you –’

‘I know you better than anyone.’

True. There’s no point in denying it. And I need to tell someone or I’ll explode. But again, it’s not like I’m going to run away with Frank or anything. I have a kid, and now I have to be there for her. 

Most likely, I won’t see Frank again.

So why risk everything now? ‘I said I’m fine,’ I tell him, and go back inside with Jackie and the baby.

The first night back home is – scary.

Neither of us sleep, not only because Emily cries a lot, but because when she does fall asleep, both Jackie and I keep checking on her to see if she’s breathing, or just staring at her. She’s too freaking cute.

Jackie’s mom visits the next morning, and I have to go back to work, despite not having slept.

After work, I walk by the bar Frank works at, just to check if he’s there, but I don’t see him from out here, and I’m not sure if it’s the best idea to go in there.

I don’t even know what I’d say to him.

I know I should at least text him and see how he is, but I can’t. I know I should forget about him and move on, but I can’t. I can’t stop thinking about him, and how I hurt him.

Not even a week after Emily is born, I’m in a cheap ass bar, drinking whiskey and crying.

Screw everything.

***

FRANK

The truth is, I don’t give a fuck about anything anymore.

The truth is I wanna die.

I haven’t felt this shit before, and I don’t know if I want to get married anymore. I don’t know if I want to keep fighting anymore. All I know is it fucking hurts.

Jamia does her best to try and cheer me up, and it hurts that it doesn’t work. I wish it did. I wish she was enough, and that I hadn’t run into Gerard that night.

But it’s not like that.

It takes me almost a week to get back to work, and I only do it because if I stay home I’m going to kill myself at some point. And when I come home, Jamia tries to comfort me again, but it doesn’t work.

And I know it’s not her fault.

But I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

The sadness inside has become anger, and I can’t do it anymore. ‘Just leave me the fuck alone!’ I yell. I hate myself even more the second those words come out of my mouth. But it doesn’t matter anymore. ‘Don’t you just get it? I want to be alone!’

I go to sleep, and when I wake up, she’s gone. All her stuff is gone too. 


	10. WHY IS LOVE SO DISASTROUS?

FRANK

‘Everything okay?’ my dad asks as I get to work. I’m late, but I was also considering not coming, so it’s something. I know if I stayed home I’d do something really stupid, and being alone, I’m honestly scared. So I got up last minute and got ready for work.

‘Yeah, I just slept in.’ I know my dad doesn’t need me here. He has other people to help him, and if I tell him what happened last night, he’ll send me home. Though I’m sure my eyes are red and puffy from all the crying, plus my beard is growing and I haven’t shaved. But it’s not like I care anymore. I start getting ready, clock in and head to the stock room.

But obviously, my dad is following me. ‘Frank – look at me,’ he says, and I turn to him. ‘What’s wrong?’ And he knows I’ll tell him.

‘Jamia left me.’ I do my best not to cry, but it’s impossible. He just puts his arms around me and lets me cry. He doesn’t ask why or what happened, which is good because I don’t know how to lie to him. ‘I deserve it, though,’ I say. ‘I was the worst asshole.’

‘Don’t say that, Frankie.’

‘But it’s true. It almost feels like I sent her away.’ It does.

‘You want to go home, take the day off?’

‘No, no way. I don’t want to be on my own right now. That’s the only reason I showed up today.’

‘Come stay with me for a while. At least until you feel better.’

I nod, because I feel like I won’t make it by myself in that apartment. ‘Thank you, dad.’ And then, I continue on my way to the stock room, where I cry for the next hour until I can’t anymore.

Two days later, I’m finally home – my dad’s place – from work, getting ready to get in bed, when my phone rings.

For a second, I think it’s Jamia, calling to check in or at least tell me to fuck off and that she’ll be back for something she forgot. But it’s not her.

It’s Gerard.

I don’t even know why I answer. ‘Hello?’

‘I’m so sorry,’ he says, and then starts sobbing.

I don’t know what to say. I really don’t have anything to say. _Fuck you?_ Maybe.

He doesn’t even let me talk. ‘I’m sorry I left you, and I’m sorry I’m such a mess.’

I noticed he’s slurring, and I know what’s going on. ‘Are you drunk, Gerard?’ He doesn’t answer. ‘C’mon! You have a child now! Don’t ruin your life anymore.’ And then, I hang up, and cry in silence until I fall asleep.

***

GERARD

A week later, I’m in a bar downtown, having my fourth drink of the night. ‘Another?’ the bartender asks, and I just nod. I know I should be going home, to my wife and my daughter, but the more I drink, the more I realize how miserable I am, and that they deserve better than me.

I have to more drinks before I finally leave.

When I make it home, all the lights are off, which means they’ve gone to bed. Which is good, because I don’t want Jackie to see me like this.

Maybe it’s better if I crash on the couch. I take off my jacket and my pants, and proceed to lie down, when I see Jackie standing in the corridor, looking at me. ‘Hey,’ I mumble, trying to sound as sober as possible.

‘You were out drinking again?’ she asks, more tired than anything. Not just like she just woke up, but tired of me. And I can’t blame her.

‘No – I just –’ But I can’t lie to her when I reek of alcohol, and can’t even form a sentence. She knows me, she got me out of this the last time. I can’t do this to her.

I wait for her to do something, say something, but she just goes back to the room.

I hate myself. I should be happy now that I have Emily, but all I can think is – Frank.

How much I hurt him, how much I’m hurting myself by not letting myself be with him, and accept what I’ve known all this time.

I’m gay.

I’ve known it my whole life, and

I know I should be here to raise my daughter and see her grow up, but I don’t want her to have an alcoholic closeted gay as father. She’s better off without me.

So I get up, grab my stuff and walk out.

I don’t know exactly where I’m going.

***

FRANK

I don’t know where I’d be without my dad and Hambone right now. They’re checking on me all the time, and Hambone invited me over to write more songs and keep me company.

I already moved back to the apartment, and I’m taking things slowly, and the band has another show tonight, which keeps me occupied. ‘Five minutes!’ Dewes yells. That gives me enough time to chug another beer. I don’t care if I’m too drunk too play and throw up on stage.

Today, I’m planning on using this to let it all out, and scream until I’ve given every bit of me and I have nothing else inside me.

_This face means nothing! These hands hold nothing!  
These lungs are empty, and these eyes are blind  
This face means nothing! These hands hold nothing!  
But I'm here, and this heart is yours_

I haven’t even got offstage, when someone from the staff calls me. ‘Frank! This dude is looking for you,’ he says, and I immediately look around. Who else could it be? He points towards the bar, and I run in that direction.

Gerard’s there, clearly drunk, leaning in the counter. When he sees me, he almost runs to me, a drink in his hand, unable to even stand up. ‘Frankie!’

‘You’re drinking again?’ I keep my distance. It hurts too much, I don’t want to get my hopes up and make it worse. ‘What about your daughter?’

‘What about her?’

‘She needs you. And you’re fucking ruining everything!’ I notice people turning their heads, and giving us looks, so I pull him by the arm and go outside. ‘If you left me that night, I assume it was because of her, and your family. And now you’re fucking drunk, and you’re not with them! So get your shit together before you lose everything that matters.’

He stands there, looking at me. I’m waiting for his comeback, I know he has it. Or at least to yell at me. Instead, I see him walking this way, and then, his fist meets my face.

There’s blood.

I quickly get up from the floor, and punch him back, and then he punches me. ‘Fuck you!’ he yells. ‘It’s all your fault! You ruined everything! You showed up in my life, and you kissed me. And now, look at me!’

‘Fuck you! I didn’t make you drink!’

‘But you made me fall for you!’ He’s crying now. ‘I left Jackie, and I left my own daughter because I couldn’t stop thinking about you, and how you’re the only person I’ve ever fell for. And now I can’t be happy. You made me left them!’

‘Shut the fuck up!’ I yell back. ‘It’s not my fault you can’t own what you did! And for your information, Jamia left me too, so I know how bad Jackie must be feeling, and I’m not blaming you. It’s no one’s fault but myself for being in love with an idiot and not doing anything about it! So stop it with your fucking excuses.’

And then he’s kissing me, his arms around my neck. And I let him. I fucking let him, because it’s the first time in weeks I don’t feel like shit. And I know it’s the alcohol making him do this, and I shouldn’t be kissing him, but fuck, he tastes so good. And his tongue feels warm in my mouth.

‘Fr –’ I hear a voice saying behind me. When I turn around, Hambone is there.

He definitely saw us kissing.

Fuck.

‘Frank –,’ he continues as if he didn’t see shit. ‘I was just looking for you.’

‘I – I’m taking Gerard home,’ I say. ‘I’ll be back.’


	11. WHERE DO WE BELONG? ANYWHERE BUT HERE

GERARD

‘Just don’t throw up in my car,’ Frank tells me as he helps me to the passenger seat.

I just ruined it even more.

I’m so embarrassed, and he’s still here, giving me a ride home. I want to apologize, but I just can’t. I can’t look at him in the eye.

We got caught.

I’m sure Hambone won’t tell anyone, but still.

‘I don’t want to go home,’ I say, without realizing I’m talking out loud.

‘Where do you want to go then? Mikey’s? Your folks’?’

I shake my head. ‘Not like this.’ The last thing I want is for them – especially Mikey – to see I relapsed. But to be honest, I have nowhere to go.

He then takes a right turn and change his destination. I don’t know where we’re going, but soon we’re parking outside an apartment complex. He helps me out the car, and we go inside, and up the stairs.

It’s his apartment.

‘Go sit,’ he says. ‘Let me get you some water.’ I walk to the living room – very modest, but clean and organized – and take a sit in the couch. I don’t feel that drunk anymore. I think it’s the adrenaline of the kiss, who knows.

‘Here.’ He leaves a glass of water on the coffee cup. I notice he’s avoiding eye contact, but I don’t blame him. ‘You can stay the night. I’m gonna get you a pillow or something. You need sweatpants or –’

‘I’m fine. Thanks.’ He walks to his room, and then he’s back with a pillow and a blanket. ‘I mean it. Thank you for letting me stay. I feel like I don’t deserve it.’

‘You’re right.’

And then he’s off to his room, and I’m still sleeping on a couch.

***

FRANK

I wake up to the worst headache, and then my face starts hurting at the touch, and I remember last night’s events and it gets worse.

Fuck!

What the fuck am I doing?

When I make it to the bathroom and see my reflection, I don’t whether I’m mad at Gerard or myself.

Oh, yeah – he stayed the night. He’s still passed out on the couch. I just hope we didn’t –

Fuck, what did I do?

I start a pot of coffee, and call my dad to tell him I feel sick and I’m not making it to work. He says it’s fine, and I’m sure he knows I’m trying to recover from a hangover.

I stand there, taking a sip from my coffee, looking at Gerard sleeping. I hope this was easier, that we didn’t have to go through all this shit, that we didn’t have to hurt other people to be together. But now it’s too late, and I can’t let him ruin his kid’s life.

If I love him, which I do, I have to stop this.

I leave a glass of water, a cup of coffee and some painkillers in the coffee table for when he wakes up, and I start to walk away, when I hear him stir. ‘Thank you,’ he mumbles.

‘It’s fine.’ I walk back to the kitchen, and serve two bowls of cereal, and take one to Gerard.

‘Thank you.’ I swear I want to leave, lock myself in my room and avoid being around him. But I don’t, I stay there, standing by the doorway, looking at Gerard, unsure if I’m waiting for him to say something, or I’m thinking about what to say next. This is too uncomfortable. ‘I’m sorry about your face,’ he says.

‘It’s fine. I kinda deserved it.’

‘No, you didn’t. I was an asshole, I shouldn’t have gone to your show or yell at you or punch you.’

‘Well, I did punch you, too. So I’m sorry.’

‘I did deserve that.’

‘You did,’ I say, and can’t help smiling.

‘I think we need to talk,’ he says, patting the other side of the couch so I sit next to him. I hesitate, but I go join him. ‘I know I said this, but I’m sorry I left you like that when the baby was born, and that I didn’t call. I didn’t know what to do.’ I see tears rolling down, and it breaks my heart. ‘I just didn’t want to cheat on Jackie anymore, you know.’

‘I know what you mean. I should have thought the same.’

‘And then, having my daughter in my arms, made me realize that I was not happy, not even having her in my life. All I wanted was you, and I missed you so bad, but I didn’t have the guts to tell Jackie that –’ His voice breaks again, and he turns to me. ‘I’m gay. I’ve always known it, but I couldn’t accept it. It seemed easy with Jackie because she saved my life and helped me get sober, so I felt like I owed her. But now there’s a new person that was born out of that lie, and I feel so guilty, and she doesn’t deserve me as a dad.’

I hug him, hoping I can help him feel less shitty. I don’t want that, it breaks my heart. Also, to keep myself from kissing him. If I stay like this, I can’t kiss him. ‘Don’t say that,’ I tell him. ‘You are such an amazing person, and you are so caring, and I know you’ll be great for her. But please, stop drinking. I know it’s not easy, but I’m here.’

‘Thank you.’ He breaks the hug, but I can see he’s trying to control himself too. ‘I just – I realized I was miserable living that life, and that’s why I started to drink, and I ruined it even more. And I ruined it for you too, and now Jamia’s gone too, and –’

‘That’s not your fault. I just didn’t know how to take it all, and I was the biggest asshole and I pushed her away.’ There’s a long awkward silence, and I swear if he doesn’t say anything I’m going to do something stupid. So I changed the subject. ‘So, what’s the baby’s name?’

‘Emily.’ He says it with a smile, and it warms my heart because I hadn’t seen that side of him.

‘I like it.’

‘I chose it.’ He makes it so hard – literally and figuratively – not to throw myself at him and kiss him again. ‘She’ll be one month old next week.’

‘Congratulations,’ I say, and we toast with our coffee mugs. I realize I hadn’t congratulate him, and I am proud of him. I know he’ll be a great dad. ‘Have you called Jackie? To at least tell her you’re okay?’

He shakes his head. ‘I don’t know what to say. I know I have to talk to her, tell her everything, but I’m not ready.’

‘I get you.’

‘Have you talked to Jamia?’

‘Nope. She doesn’t answer her phone.’ And I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t want to talk to me if I was her.

A long silence follows. And then, Gerard says, ‘I’m sorry – about kissing you and you know, getting caught –’

I look at him. I didn’t even think about it. Hambone knows now.

‘It’s fine,’ is all I can say. ‘I was kissing you, too.’ And then, I can’t help it. I’m leaning in, and pressing my lips against his, and I know he wants it too. He bites my lower lip, and I think that’s all I need to know.

I push him on his back, and let my hands run under his shirt, and I’m kissing him with such urgency like this is our only chance to do this, even though I know it’s not. It’s up to us.

But we can’t do it like last time.

His hands are on my back, and I feel myself getting hard against his crotch. Yet I stop it. ‘Wait –’ I say, between pants. ‘If we’re doing this, let’s do it right.’

He nods.

I continue. ‘No more lying to anyone, no more hiding.’

He nods again, and pulls me by the shirt. I think that’s enough answer. I kiss his lips, knowing this is where I belong.


	12. ALL I WANT IS YOU

FRANK

Waking up next to him, squeezed together in the couch, his body pressed to mine.

There is no better feeling in the world.

I open my eyes, and find myself leaning on Gerard’s shoulder. I don’t know if this is real. It doesn’t feel real. I hold him closer, just to make sure, and he moans in his sleep. ‘I don’t want to wake up,’ I say, kissing his neck.

‘Me neither.’ He plays with my hair, and I can hear him breathing. God, this is such a turn on.

‘Is it real?’ He leans his head back, and looks at me, confused. ‘This. You and me?’

‘I mean, I think I’m real. Are you?’

‘I don’t know really.’

He gives me a smile that melts every bit of me. ‘You’re an angel.’

‘Shut the fuck up.’ Then, he kisses me, and the world stops.

We stay like that for a while, our bodies pressed together. We could stay here forever.

‘What time is it?’ he whispers.

I reach for my watch on the coffee table. ‘Four fifteen.’

‘I need I need to talk to Jackie.’

‘You do.’

‘I don’t know what to say.’

It hurts me to hear him like this. ‘You don’t have to do it right now. Take your time. Coming out takes time.’ What do I know? The only person who knows is Jamia.

‘I need to.’

‘I’ll be right here, okay?’

‘Can I stay here a little longer?’

‘You don’t even have to ask.’

GERARD

I don’t know for how long we were cuddling in Frank’s couch, but it wasn’t enough.

I need to go talk to Jackie, though. And Mikey.

I know, I don’t _have_ to, but I want to do things right from now on. I want to be honest. And more than anything, I want to tell everyone I’m in love with his awesome guy, and that everything is okay when I’m with him.

‘Frank,’ I say, putting on my jacket. He looks up at me. ‘I love you.’ The smile on his face is priceless. The things I’d do to make him smile.

‘I love you too.’ We kiss one more time, because it’s never enough. ‘Are you sure you don’t want me to give you a ride?’

‘I’m sure.’ He walks me to the door. ‘It’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.’

‘What are we doing, then?’

‘I don’t know. But I want to be with you,’ I say, taking his hand in mine. ‘For real.’

‘Me too.’

‘It’s going to be a long ride, but it’ll be worth it, okay?’ He nods.

‘You can stay here if you have nowhere else to go,’ he says, and I hate how sad he looks. Now I don’t want to leave. ‘I’ll call you later.’ He gives me a look, as if asking me to stay. And I want to, but I need to do something first.

The walk to the train station is long, but I can’t stop smiling thinking about Frank. 

When I make it to Mikey’s apartment, he’s playing video games, and he’s surprised to see me there. ‘You haven’t visited in so long,’ he says. ‘Why didn’t you call me.’

‘My phone’s dead. I need to talk to you.’

‘That sounds serious.’

‘It is serious.’ I turn off his TV to emphasize the seriousness of the case. I almost look through his cabinets in search of some alcohol, but I have to stop myself. I don’t know if I can do this sober.

‘How’s Emily?’

‘Good. I think.’

‘You think?’

‘I haven’t seen her in a couple days.’ I’m the worst father, and I think he knows that. I don’t need him to say it. ‘I left Jackie last night.’

‘YOU DID WHAT?!’ He keeps yelling at me, which I obviously deserve. ‘WHAT THE FUCK, GERARD?!’

‘I relapsed.’ I say it with my eyes closed, afraid of his reaction. Which is what I expected. More yelling. And he doesn’t know the whole story yet.

‘What the fuck?! Why?’

‘That’s what I’m here for, to tell you the whole story.’

‘So that’s not even it?’ I shake my head. ‘This is going to be pretty good.’

‘Oh you have no idea.’ I take a deep breath. How I wish I had something to drink right now. ‘You remember that guy from when we were younger? He had a band, short with dreads?’

‘Frank? Yeah. What happened with him?’

‘I ran into him a couple months ago. He works at this bar, and my coworkers pretty much forced me to go with them.’

‘Was then when you started drinking?’

I just laugh. ‘No.’ I don’t know how to say this, and I feel myself getting anxious. ‘I never told you this, but – back then, when we were younger, we kinda hit it off.’

‘I remember that, but it wasn’t anything weird,’ Mikey says. ‘Was it?’

I nod. ‘And now, after hanging out for a while, it happened again.’ Mikey’s face. I don’t know if he’s surprised or weirded out. ‘He kissed me, one thing led to the next, we realized we liked each other since the beginning, we still do, and he makes me smile in a way no one else does.’

‘I –,’ he tries to say something, but nothing comes out.

‘I’m gay, Mikey. I’ve known it since high school. I knew it when I met Frank eight years ago, I know it now.’

‘What about –’

‘I think I was in denial. I thought she’d help me fix what was wrong with me, and she saved my life and got me sober, so it was easy. But with Frank I feel like there’s nothing wrong with me.’

He thinks about what to say next, but he’s never been a man of many words, so instead he hugs me. ‘I love you, Gee,’ he says. ‘Just know I love you no matter.’

‘Thank you. I love you, too.’

There’s a long silence. ‘And what now? What about Emily? Have you talked to Jackie?’

‘Not yet, but I will.’

FRANK

Jamia isn’t answering my calls, and I tried asking Evan, but he’s a great brother and he’d never tell me where his sister is staying.

So I try her job.

Her office isn’t far away from my apartment, so I walk there. It can help me to think what to say. I think about getting her flowers, but she’s not that kind of woman.

When I get to her workplace, they already know me, and I know she’s been talking to them because their reaction tells me I’m not wanted here.

And I know she’s too much for me. I never deserved her. She has a marketing position in a magazine, a real job. She makes actual money. She’s smart and beautiful and amazing in every sense. Why was she with me? I have no idea, I’m a fucking loser.

I stand there, with a bag of fancy strawberries covered in chocolate, because that’s what she likes, waiting to see her.

The receptionist told me she’d get someone to call her, but I’m sure she won’t want to see me. I know that she hates me.

So when I see her walking this way, I’m honestly surprised.

Though she could still just be here to slap me and send me away, and tell me to never come to see her again. But no, she just stands there, and now I rather have her slap me because that would hurt a lot less.

‘Let’s go somewhere to talk,’ she says, and I follow her outside, and then to the Starbucks down the block.

‘I’ve been trying to call you,’ I say.

‘I know.’ Ouch, that hurts.

‘I’m sorry.’ I can’t even look at her straight in the eye.

‘Look, at least you had the decency to take a shower again. I’m glad. And you obviously have something to say, so here I am.’

 _Does she – does she know?_ I’ve been with her long enough to know when she’s hiding something.

‘I’m sorry – I was such an asshole and I shouldn’t have treated you like that.’

‘Apologies accepted. But you know that’s not why I left you.’

_Fuck –_

_What?_

She continues. ‘Frank, I’m not stupid. I knew it back then when you first met him. I thought you’d leave me for him back then. And you know I’m not the jealous kind, but when he showed up again, I was sure this time it would happen. And it did.’

I don’t even know what to say.

‘I’m not even mad at you for that,’ she says. ‘I knew you liked him, it was obvious, as much as you denied it. The reason I’m mad at you is because you didn’t tell me, and you kept lying and lying, and then turned into this monster I didn’t know when the baby was born.’

I can’t help the tears coming. I’m a sobbing mess, not sure what to say now. ‘I’m so sorry.’

She gets up to hug me, and I feel like shit because I was awful to her, and here she is. ‘It’s fine, Frank. I understand.’ She then takes off her engagement ring, and hands it to me. ‘I love you, and that’s why I’m letting you go.’

She kisses me one more time, and soon we’re off.

She promises to stay in touch, and remain friends, and I hope she does.

When I make it home after work, it feels so lonely without him.

It’s past midnight, and I don’t know if he’s even awake, but I try.

‘Hello,’ he answers right away.

The sound of his voice makes me smile. ‘Hello.’

I know he’s smiling too. ‘I miss you.’

‘I miss you, too.’ There’s a long pause.

‘I told Mikey,’ he says.

‘Oh.’

‘He took it well.’ There’s a pause. ‘I’ll go talk to Jackie tomorrow.’

‘I tried to tell Jam, but she knew already.’

‘What?’

‘Yeah. She knew it was you.’

‘Oh.’ We go quiet again, and hearing him breathes helps me calm down. I miss him so much. ‘Frank, I miss you.’

‘I miss you too.’

‘But we’re going to be together now. We have the rest of our lives, okay? Just you and me.’


	13. TONIGHT'S OUR NIGHT BABY

_ FRANK _

I try to pretend everything's cool as I walk in my dad's store, but it's hard not to think about Gerard, about how we can be together now. And I know I'm blushing and smiling like an idiot.

'What is it, Frankie?' I hear my dad say.

'Huh?' I play dumb, even though it's too late.

'You haven't smiled in weeks. And you come in, almost skipping may I add, with that smile – what did you do?'

'Nothing, I swear.' But that only makes me smile more. Just then, I turn around, and my dad sees my shiner. I almost forgot I got it.

'What happened? You got in a fight?' He gets closer to inspect in, and I let him. it's not like it's the first time. 'You're twenty-eight, Frank, not a child!'

'I'm sorry, I – I didn't got in a fight, okay! Just the wrong place at the wrong time type of situation.'

'Does that have to do with why you were smiling?'

'No –' I don't know how to lie. Fuck, I need to come out to my dad. 'Fine. What about we have lunch together and I might tell you.'

Fuck.

Now I'm not sure if I want to tell him. But I know I should. And while I do inventory in the back, that's all I can think about.

I know Gerard won't answer, but I still text him. About to come out to my dad! Wish me luck!

Surprisingly, it doesn't take him five minutes to respond. oh shit! Good luck!

Is it too late to regret this?

By the time I can relax, it's past noon, and I hear my dad calling me. 'C'mon! I'm hungry!' Breathe in, breathe out, I tell myself, and walk out of the storage. 'Everything good?' my dad asks.

'Yeah.' Not so sure.

We walk to a dinner a couple blocks away. While we order, I can feel my breathing change and my palms are sweaty, and I know I'm having an anxiety attack. Fuck. If I had told my parents about it when I was a teenager and first felt attracted to another guy, I wouldn't be going through this.

'Are you okay, Frankie?' my dad says as soon as the server leaves. 'Are you taking your meds?'

'Yeah, I'm –'

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I shut my eyes, clearly not okay. My hands are balled up in fists rubbing up and down my thighs. I can feel tears coming. The server is back to bring us our Cokes, and when she leaves again, I continue. 'I –'

'Son, if you're not feeling well, we can –'

'No – I'm good. Better than ever, actually.' I haven't opened my eyes. 'It's just – this is harder than I thought.' Fuck it. 'This is something I should have told you many years ago.' I take his hand, and finally open my eyes. 'I'm bisexual.'

His face doesn't say much, and now I'm scared. I know I'm crying, but I don't say anything.

Then, my dad just gets up and wraps me in a tight hug, and I'm crying more.

'I'm sorry, dad,' I say over and over.

'Shh, no,' he whispers in my ear, just like when I was a kid and something hurt. 'There's nothing to be sorry about here. I want you happy, and I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me.'

'It only took me twelve years,' I say laughing.

We sit back down, and soon they bring our food, but I'm not hungry anymore. I wipe off my face with my sweater, and drink from my Coke while I recover.

'So that's why you were smiling this morning?'

I smile again, thinking about Gerard. 'Maybe.' I take a bite of my sandwich, and I notice my dad's still staring at me. 'Okay, yeah. There is someone. He makes me happy.'

'I like that.'

'You'll meet him one day, okay?'

My dad pets my head, and I know nothing's changed. But I'm definitely happier now that he knows.

***

_GERARD_

I'm standing outside my apartment door.

I don't know if it's even my apartment anymore.

I've been standing here for fifteen minutes, not ready to knock, and about to cry.

But I have no choice.

It's a while before I hear Jackie's voice. 'I'm coming.' She obviously doesn't know it's me, otherwise she wouldn't be opening the door.

And there she is, jaw open in disbelief while I'm crying and trying not to think about running off to get a drink.

'I'm so sorry,' I say.

'You got in a fight?!'

I completely forgot about that. 'I'm fine, I swear. I just –'

'You're still drinking?'

'No,' I say, shaking my head. 'I need to talk to you.'

'Fine.' She finally lets me in.

'I'm so fucking sorry, okay?' I say, already sobbing. 'I know I'm the worst, and that you don't deserve me. And the worst part is that I'm missing my daughter's life, and I don't want that. She's the only thing that make sense anymore.'

I know Jackie's hurt. Yet, she manages to stay calm, and runs her fingers through my hair to push it back. I miss her, and I know it's not love I feel for her, at least not that kind of love. But I miss her. I miss her fixing me and making things right. 'It hurts me to see you like this,' she says. 'You are one of the most wonderful people I know, and this isn't your fault. You're sick.'

I nod, letting her comfort me.

'I'm sorry I was so focused on the baby I didn't notice you slipping.'

'It's not your fault,' I say. 'That's what I'm here to tell you.'

She hugs me again, which leads to me crying again. We sit down, and she brings me tea. 'Where's Emily? How is she?' I ask.

'She's perfect. But I'm sure he misses her dad.'

'I miss her too.' Silence. Fuck. 'So – there's a reason why I started drinking.' My breathing is speeding up. I don't want to break her heart but I know that's what I'm going to do and now I feel awful. I could just keep pretending for her and Emily. But now it's too late. 'There is – someone else.'

I'm waiting for her to slap me, to leave the room crying or throw me away and tell me not to ever come back. But she's just avoiding to look at me, clearly hurt.

So it's better to pull off the band-aid now.

'Frank.'

I look up to see her reaction. And she hasn't moved. She's just looking at me, surprised.

I'm still waiting for her to slap me.

'I'm so sorry,' I repeat over and over again.

'Frank!' Good. She's yelling now. 'For how long?!'

'A couple months only.' I tried to calm down.

'So are you –'

'I'm gay!' I yell. 'I'm gay, okay!'

And now I've woken up the baby, and Jackie is running to get her, crying too and yelling at me, probably telling to leave, but now I'm crying too.

Two minutes later, she's back, with Emily in her arms, who hasn't stopped crying. 'Here,' she says, handing her to me.

I still can't believe I created this tiny human. She kinda looks like Mikey. And the moment at smile at her, she calms down. 'I missed you too, baby girl.'

In the meantime, Jackie is sitting in the couch, pissed off, avoiding to look at me. 'Does it mean – this was all a lie?' she asks in a sob.

'No.' I go sit down next to her. 'I was in a really bad place when we met, okay? In between my grandma's death and trying to hide this part of me, I started drinking until I almost died. And I'll always be thankful to you for saving me. For a while I thought I was in love, that I could like you the same way. And we were happy, and starting a family. And then he showed up.'

'So – when they came for dinner?'

I shake my head. 'It's not like we planned it. But running into him woke up those feelings again. It made me realize what I always knew.'

She's doesn't have anything to say, and we stay in silence for a while. Emily is asleep again, so I take her to her crib. Fuck, I'm missing so much of her life.

'So – what are we gonna do?' she asks.

I shrug. 'I don't know. I might move in with Mikey.'

'But about us? About our family?'

'I don't know.' I can't see her like this, so I walk up to her and hug her. 'I'm so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you.'

'I know. And it's not fair that I keep you here when you're not happy.'

'I am happy with you. You're still my family.'

'But you deserve to be fully happy,' she says in my neck.

'You too. And we will be. But promise me we'll still be family.'

'We will.'

***

_FRANK_

'Hello?' he answers the phone.

'Where are you?' I get in my car. I already called in my boss at the bar to ask for the night off. 'I can pick you up.'

'I just left my apartment – well, Jackie's –'

'Are you crying?' I know he'll deny it, but I know him.

'Not anymore. I'm fine.'

There's a second of silence. 'You wanna go on a date?' I ask, getting it out of my chest.

'Uh – yeah?' I can hear him smiling. 'Can I at least go take a shower first?'

'Fine. I need one, too.'

I don't know what to wear on my first date, but I plan on making it special so I trimmed my beard, and I'm wearing dress pants and a dress shirt and a sweater on top. I hope it's not too much.

Half an hour later, I'm parking outside the address he gave me. Mikey's place, I'm guessing. I haven't seen that kid in the longest time. 'Hey –,' he says when he opens the door, almost as a question, eyeing me from head to toe. 'Frankie?'

'Hi,' I say with a smile.

'You look – different?'

'You mean, not like a complete pothead? I just took a shower.'

'And the beard.'

'Oh yeah.' I smile. 'It's good to see you, man!' I go for a hug, but I realize it must be weird that I'm now the guy who's fucking his brother.

'It's good to see you too.'

There's a moment of awkwardness, where we don't say a word. Should we catch up? This is so awkward! 'So – I'm sure you know –,' I say.

'I mean, that's what you're here for.'

I nod, and stop pretending to make a conversation, and just then Gerard comes out. He's just Gerard. Perfect as always. But I know I'm smiling like an idiot. 'I fucking love you,' I say trying not to cry.

He approaches me and kisses me, and I can hear Mikey almost puking. 'Let's go.'

The drive downtown isn't that long but we don't say much, just hold hands, and sing to songs. I'm taking him to this expensive sushi place, because I know he likes sushi.

'So – how did it go?' he asks. 'With your dad?'

'Good. I cried a lot. But he says all it matters is that I'm happy, and I am.' I can't stop smiling when I'm with him. 'And with Jackie?'

He shakes his head. 'She didn't take it well. But we're still a family, I guess. For Emily.'

'I'm sorry,' I say, reaching for his hand. 'I should have thought –'

'No. I've made my mind. I want to be with you.'

I lean in closer to kiss him. 'I want to be with you, too.'

Once we walk out of the restaurant, I pull him down the street. I just want to walk with him, holding hands, show him off. I have never been this happy, and I want everyone to see it.

We walk down a couple blocks, and we end up by a fountain, where a bunch of people are gathering around, just spending a quiet Saturday night. And I can't help myself and pull him closer for a kiss. He wraps his arms around my neck, and pushes in his tongue.

When we pull apart, I'm trying to catch my breath because this feels like a dream. 'So – you want to be my fucking boyfriend, or what?' I say.

'Hell, yeah,' he says, smiling too.

'I have a boyfriend, everyone!' I yell, too happy and excited to care about haters. But surprisingly, everyone cheers for us.


	14. IF IT’S COOL WITH YOU, I’D REALLY LOVE TO SPEND THE NIGHT

_ FRANK _

When we make it to the apartment, my sweater and his leather jacket are gone. He’s pushing me inside with an arm around me, and his lips on mine.

‘So we’re actually doing this,’ I whisper against his ear. It’s still hard to believe.

‘We are.’ He starts to take of my pants, but I pull him to the bedroom. We’ve been fucking for too long, usually in dirty couches, or wherever we can find. This is the first time we get to do it right. There’s an actual bed, and we’re actually dating and not hiding from anyone.

I help him with his shirt and he takes the rest of my clothes off, never breaking the kiss. At least not until his lips start to travel down my chest as he pushes me to the bed.

‘Frank,’ he says, and I can feel myself blushing. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you, too.’

‘I never thought I’d be able to ever call you my boyfriend, and you don’t know how many nights I spent crying in bed because I never had the guts to tell you. And now you’re here.’

‘And I’m your boyfriend.’ I smile, because this is just as unbelievable for me.

‘I can’t stop looking at you.’

‘That’s great, but I need you to fuck me.’

‘Always so needy.’ He goes back to kissing me, his hands touching every inch of me. And I surrender myself to him.

***

_ GERARD _

I hate to think this is the bed where he slept with his ex and had –

Ugh –

So I focus on his beautiful skin that tastes like sweat, and his warm hands going up my back. I want to make tonight special. I want him to know how much I love him and have been waiting for this for the past eight years. I want him to know how special he is.

I push in gently, afraid to hurt him, pining both his hands above his head, breathing in each other’s mouths as he gets comfortable.

‘I love you,’ I say again, repeating it as many times as possible, and it’s still not enough.

The way he screams my name drives me crazy, and I start speeding up my pace.

I’m not afraid of leaving hickeys and bites on his neck and chest. Letting everyone know he’s mine.

I come inside him, and keep going until he does, helping him jerk off.

‘Can we do this, like for the rest of our lives?’ he says as we cuddle, and I can’t help but smile.

‘I’m fine with that.’

I don’t even notice when he falls asleep, but his breathing makes me relax, and I’m already dozing off.

***

_ FRANK _

I wake up to my alarm going off. I slept so well like I haven’t done in ages.

So much that it takes me by surprise when two arms pull me.

Gerard.

Seeing him first thing in the morning will never get old. ‘Good morning, sleeping beauty,’ I mumble, leaving kisses all over his face, but he doesn’t open his eyes. ‘I need to get in in the shower.’

‘Don’t,’ he says.

‘I hate to say this, but I gotta go to work.’

‘Don’t.’

‘I’d love that. But I need money.’

‘But I want to be with you.’

‘Trust me, I want nothing more.’

‘Then, stay with me.’

‘Tempting –‘ I get up before he convinces me. ‘You know what? Come shower with me.’ He resists, but I pull him up and drag him to the bathroom, and straight to the shower. Pros of sleeping naked.

We’re both too sleepy to even do anything, but it feels good to have him there, so near. Other than some making out and him letting me wash his hair, nothing else happens, but I love this.

I have to let him borrow some underwear and a clean shirt, and I make coffee in the meantime. I have the day off at the music store, but I have to work at the bar. We still have a few hours though. Maybe we can have breakfast together.

Gerard surprises me from behind, and kissing me out of nowhere.

God, I never thought this could be possible.

Making breakfast for my _boyfriend_ after we spent the night together, not having to hide or lie about it. It makes everything better.

‘So – you’re staying at Mikey’s?’ I ask. I just – I love doing this, and waking up together, making coffee for both, getting ready for work and showering together. I just wanna know what’s going to happen now. It’s feels like starting from scratch, a new routine, a completely differently life now that we’re together. It’s so new, and it’s great not knowing what’s coming, and not expecting anything, just enjoying it day by day. But I need to know how to fit him in my messy life.

‘For now, I guess,’ he says, not really thinking about it. ‘Why?’

‘I don’t know. I just love having you here. And I told you you could stay with me if you needed a place.’

‘I know.’ He kisses me again. ‘And I really thought about it, and considered it. But I want to enjoy every single moment with you, and I don’t want to rush things and ruin it. You know?’

I nod. It makes sense.

‘Maybe we can take it slow, go on dates, hang out for a while, and who knows?’

‘I like that idea.’

‘I like you,’ he says. ‘And I’m hungry, so let’s eat.’

I head out to work, and drop him off at Mikey’s he says he has to call his boss and talk to him, see if he can have his job back after missing out days, and probably take care of Emily while Jackie goes to work.

We text all night, and he calls me later at night to say goodnight. I’m not sure we’re good at staying apart. ‘You want to go out for lunch tomorrow?’ I ask.

‘I can’t wait.’

***

_ GERARD _

I don’t think I can stay apart from Frankie now.

We tried going out for casual dates, having lunch, and just hanging out for a week, but I want to spend every single second of my day with him, and go to sleep with him, and wake up next to him. And at the same time, I don’t dare to ask him if I can move in. It’s too soon.

I wait for him to get off work so we can go watch a movie at his place, or to eat. ‘How was your day?’ I ask him when we meet outside the bar.

‘Meh. I’m tired.’

I hug him. ‘What do you wanna do?’

‘I was thinking about movie night, and I’ll cook something for us?’

‘Love that idea.’

‘We just need to stop at the grocery store, okay?’

He decides on portobello burgers and fries, and we’re getting some snacks and maybe breakfast. When he meets me by the produce with ice cream, without even thinking, I go for a hug and kiss, when we hear someone say ‘Frank?’ I turned around, and I see this couple. I guess they know Frank. Fuck, did I just ruin it for him?

‘Hey,’ he says, trying to pretend nothing happened and this isn’t awkward at all. The guy hugs him, and seems happy to see him. ‘How are you? Long time no see.’

‘Well – I just got married,’ the guy says with a smirk. ‘This is Lexi, my wife.’

‘Nice to meet you,’ Frank tells the girl next to him. ‘I’m Frank.’

‘Nice to meet you,’ she says.

Then Frank calls me. I’m paralyzed. What is he going to tell them? I go stand next to him, not tot close, even though they probably saw everything. ‘This is Gerard,’ he says, and I feel his arm around my waist. I know he’s nervous as hell. ‘My boyfriend.’

They try not to sound surprised, but I am too.

‘Gerard, this is Tucker. He played drums for –’

‘I know who you are,’ Tucker says. ‘You and your brother used to hang out with us all the time!’

I nod. I knew he looked familiar!

‘Well, it’s good to see you again!’

‘You too!’ I say when he hugs me.

‘We should hang out one of these days,’ he tells Frank, and they exchange phone numbers. ‘We have a gig coming up. I’ll put you on the guest list.’

We say goodbye, and go on our ways. I notice Frank blushing, a little nervous. ‘It felt good to say it, you know,’ he says, and I can’t help hugging him again.

‘I know.’

When we make it to his apartment, I help him with the burgers, and we watch a documentary about serial killers. Out of nowhere, he looks at me. ‘You want to move in with me?’

I nod, and kiss him.


	15. A NEW DAY'S COMING FOR US

GERARD

That fucking alarm is going off again, but it's too early to open my eyes. Frank gets up from bed and away from my embrace. I miss him already. 'Come back,' I groan, starting to get cold.

'I wish I could,' he says, and then walks out of the room.

I'm still half asleep but I can hear the coffee brewing in the kitchen all the way here, and the smell is calling me. And the fact that I have to get ready for work, too.

I hate this.

I find Frank standing by the stove, cooking something. 'I made omelettes,' he mumbles. I hug him from behind, sneaking a hand in his boxers. 'Not now.'

'But this is the best part of living here.'

'I guess you're right.'

After breakfast, we have shower sex, and get ready for work. He drops me off at the office. I've only lived with him for a week, but I'm starting to get used to this. To our little routine.

He has two jobs, so he goes home at 2, cooks some food and takes a nap before going to the bar. When I get home, I clean the house, and visit Jackie and Emily for a bit. When he comes home we watch movies and make out and fuck until we fall asleep. And then we repeat it all over again the next day.

I love my life.

***

FRANK

I make it to my dad's shop just past nine, after Gerard convinced me to go down on him in the parking lot, and how am I supposed to say no to that? And he was nervous about his meeting, so I just tried to help.

'You're smiling again,' my dad says from behind.

And it feels good that I don't have to deny it or make things up. 'Well, Gerard just moved in with me.'

'Things are going great, then?' I nod, smiling like an idiot. 'Wait – Gerard? That's not a common name – that kid you used to hang out with – you were always talking about him.'

I can't believe my dad remembers that, even better than I do. 'Yeah, that's him.'

'Now I'm starting to get it. So – it's been happening since then?'

'What?! No!' We're the only ones here right now, so I don't mind telling him. 'Okay, so we did like each other back then. But neither of us had the guts to admit it or do something about it. Plus, I was already with Jamia. Then he moved to New York, and we didn't see each other until last year.'

My dad gives me a look, and I'm blushing because it's really embarrassing to talk to him about all this. But I continue. 'He went to the bar with his coworkers, and we started talking and hanging out and then it happened.'

'I'm just glad to see you happy.' We both start setting up, and I take my inventory sheet before I go to the back. 'I wanna meet this guy. You should bring him for dinner.'

For real? 'Are you serious?' I ask him, because I can't believe I'm introducing my boyfriend to my family.

'Yeah. You have tomorrow night off, right?' I nod. 'Come have dinner with us.'

'Fine.'

'My dad wants to meet you,' I tell Gerard over dinner. He brought Chinese takeout, and we're watching horror movies.

'What?'

'My dad invited us for dinner tomorrow.'

'Are you serious?' His reaction is priceless.

'That's exactly what I said. But he's cool. I told him about us, and he knows you make me happy, which is weird, so he wants to know who's to blame.'

He laughs at that, and I feel my heart melting.

This.

This is exactly how I want to spend the rest of my life. Looking at him.

This makes me happy.

'I love you so much, you know that?'

'Why don't you show me?'

So I pull him closer and take off his shirt, while he slips his hand in my pants.

***

GERARD

Frank's dad lives in the suburbs.

It's not a big house, but it's nice.

Frank doesn't talk a lot about him or his family, so I don't know what I'm getting myself into.

A short, blonde lady opens the door, but she looks nothing like Frank. 'Hey, Lauren,' Frank says and hugs her, before she lets us in. His dad is sitting in the living room watching TV, and gets up the second we walk in.

'Frankie!' They hug too, even though they see each other almost every day, but now I know who he gets it from. They're just that kind of family.

'Dad, this is Gerard – my boyfriend,' he says pulling me closer. I shake his hand, but Mr. Iero pulls me in for a hug too. 'Gee, these are my dad, Frank, and my stepmom, Lauren.'

'Welcome to the family.'

Lauren serves us a vegetarian casserole, and we talk about Frank mainly. Where we met, him growing up. His stubbornness. Mr. Iero asks me where I work, so I tell him. 'Didn't you want to be a comic book artist or something like that?' he asks me out of nowhere.

So Frank talks about me.

I laugh, trying to hide my blushing. 'Yeah. But it didn't work out.'

'And you gave up that easily?'

'Well –' Yeah, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

'It's funny because that's what you told me about music, remember?' Frank tells me, with that fucking adorable smile on his face, and I stick my tongue out to him.

We play cards, and joke for the rest of the night, and it feels so natural, like I'm already part of their family.

'Thank you for making my son happy,' Frank's dad tells me as we start to leave, with a firm handshake.

'He makes me happy, too.'

'I'm glad.'

Frank hugs his dad goodbye, and I can see him tearing up, but neither of us mention it. He just takes my hand as he drives home.

***

FRANK

When I get home on Sunday, it seems too quiet.

He must be taking care of Emily.

I have the rest of the day off, so I go take a shower while he comes home.

To my surprise, when I get out, Gerard's back. Not by himself, though. He's brought baby Emily with him. 'She's staying with us for a couple days,' he says.

I sit next to him on the couch. This is my first time meeting her. She looks like Mikey. And Gerard, too, I guess. 'She's so cute.'

'She is.' Gerard then looks at me. 'You wanna hold her?'

I just nod, and he puts her in my arms. She's so tiny, and I'm scared to break her. But knowing that she's a piece of Gerard causes this strange feeling inside me. She looks at me like she understands it too.

'You're her family, too,' he tells me, and I have to hold in the tears.

I pull faces at her and tickle her, and she laughs. 'This is going to be our life from now on, huh?' I say.

'Yeah.' I love it.


	16. HOW IT'S GOING TO BE

_ GERARD _

How did I get so lucky?

Waking up next to the love of my life, who is drooling his brains out but looking adorable nonetheless, and my baby daughter right between us.

I never thought happiness was possible, and yet, here we are.

Emily seemed to bond with Frank and fell asleep in his arms last night, and it made me cry because it was the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen.

‘Hey,’ he says as he wakes up, his voice groggy. Fuck, that’s hot. ‘She’s still asleep?’

‘Well, she didn’t sleep all night, so –’

‘But she’s too adorable, I forgive her. Just like her dad.’ He looks at me, melting all my insides with that smile. I don’t know what’s going through his mind, but knowing him, I know something is up. ‘I like this. Can we have another one?’

I can’t help but laugh. ‘Babies are not like puppies, Frank.’ But I know what he means. I remember he told me once he always wanted to have a big family. Being an only child, he wanted to have as many kids as possible. And to be honest, I’m willing to give that to him.

If this is how our life it’s going to be, I want more kids. Though we’ll have to find other ways.

‘Can we at least wait until she grows up a little?’ I ask.

‘I guess.’

He starts to get ready for work, while I change Emily, and get the coffee ready. Once he’s ready, he’s in charge of feeding her, while I change.

I love seeing that side of him. It comes so natural to him, he shines around her. He’s definitely a better dad than me. ‘God, you’re such a hot dad,’ I say when I find him in the kitchen with the baby in his arms. He just smiles at me.

‘I don’t want her to leave.’

‘Well, me neither, but we gotta go to work, and I already promised Jackie to take care of her next weekend.’

‘The whole weekend?’ he asks, too excited.

‘Yup, that’s the plan.’

We stop at Jackie’s mom’s house to drop Emily off, and then, he drops me off at work. ‘I love you,’ he says. ‘And I love our life.’

‘Me too.’

And I mean it. Almost a year ago, I was working at the same company, was about to be a dad, but I didn’t love my life. Today, with Frank and Emily by my side, I couldn’t be happier.

***

_ FRANK _

__

‘Gerard! You forgot to buy coffee!’ I yell.

I know he can hear me, but he’s pretending he doesn’t.

‘You finish it, you buy it!’ I say. ‘Remember?’

‘Yeah, I’ll get some later.’

‘And what am I supposed to drink right now?’

‘I’ll get you Starbucks on our way to work.’

‘We’re also supposed to be cutting on expenses. Like Starbucks.’ We’ve been spending a lot on eating out, and rent isn’t cheap.

‘It’s on me. Don’t worry about it.’

‘Just saying. You have a child. You should be wasting your money on her, not expensive coffee.’

His arms wrap me in a hug from behind, and I feel his lips near my ear. ‘It’s okay to treat yourself once in a while, Frankie. We’ll be okay.’

‘We’ll be okay,’ I repeat, and I really wanna believe it.

Moving in together was the best decision, but it’s still taking us some time. We are so different in so many ways, and I was used to my own rules, buying my groceries and doing stuff for myself. Now I have to think about Gerard, and how he sometimes forgets he doesn’t live alone, and that he needs to cooperate.

We haven’t really fought yet, which is surprising considering how messy he is, and my lack of patience. ‘Gee, can you please pick up your dirty socks? I just cleaned.’

He does because he knows I won’t suck him when I’m angry.

And maybe these new pills I’m taking are making my moods change more than usual. He pulls me closer and straddle his lap, a leg on each side and my arms around his neck. ‘Is everything okay?’ he asks me. He knows me too well.

‘I’m just – stressed.’ I’m not sure. There are too many things in my head to know exactly what’s bothering me. I don’t know.

‘Can I help?’ He takes me by the waist, his hands pulling the hem of my shirt.

‘You can try.’ And then our lips press against each other, his tongue slipping in. I feel his hands going down my boxers, taking my erection, and gently stroking me. He’s actually trying.

By the time I’m coming all over him, I forgot I was even mad.

***

_ GERARD _

__

He has another Leathermouth show today, so after work, I get to the venue they’re playing at. They’re all in the green room, chilling, and when I come in, Frank runs to say hi, and kisses me without even thinking about it. I don’t mind it, but I didn’t know he was out to them.

Though Hambone knows already.

‘I’m glad you’re here,’ he says, chewing a piece of gum. He looks ridiculously hot today. He finally trimmed the beard and his hair a little, and I just can’t wait to go home.

‘I’m glad too.’

He kisses me again, and it’s only then that Hambone does a fake cough.

‘Oh, yeah –,’ Frank turns to the rest. ‘Guys, you know Gerard. We’re together now.’ He says it just like that, like it’s no big deal, which I guess it’s not, but still.

We chill for a while, waiting for the other band to finish playing. I sit next to Frank, holding hands. ‘Oh yeah, before I forget,’ he says. ‘We’re signing a record deal, and recording our first album.’

 _What?!_ ‘That’s fucking awesome! Congrats!’ I kiss him, acting on impulse. I‘m so fucking proud.

‘Well, it’s thanks to you. You’re the one who told me to start a band.’

‘And it worked.’

‘It worked.’ He smiles, and I hear my heart beating like crazy. ‘I love you.’

Soon, they get on stage, and it’s amazing to see him play the same songs but with a whole different vibe. He’s smiling a lot, making jokes, even when the audience gets annoying. He gets closer and sings with them, lets them pull his shirt.

‘Anyway,’ he says by the end of the show. ‘When I wrote these songs, I was really angry, as you can tell. But I’m not angry anymore.’ He looks at me, and my heart stops. ‘Thanks for that, Gee.’

When the concert is over, fans approach him to say hi and ask for pictures. Then the guys invite us to go for drinks to celebrate. ‘Nah,’ Frank tells them. ‘We’re going home.’

He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me outside.

We’re going home.


	17. GREAT PARTY

_ FRANK _

__

‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…’

His voice wakes me up, though it still feels like a dream. I had almost forgotten how good he sings. ‘Happy birthday, dear Frankie! Happy birthday to you!’ When I finally am able to open my eyes, he’s sitting beside me, a cup of coffee on one hand, and one of those vegan cupcakes we got the other day from the grocery store. And it’s the best gift I could ask for.

Then he kisses me, and it gets even better.

‘I had never been serenated before,’ I mumble.

‘Well, I’m glad your first.’

‘But you know what could be better?’

‘What?’ He kisses me again, knowing what the answer is.

‘Birthday sex.’

‘Oh really?’ I nod. ‘Then, I have no choice but to do whatever the birthday boy wants.’ He’s already pulling down my pants and doing what he does best.

Yup. Best birthday ever.

Apparently, Gerard organized a surprise party for me.

Except my dad didn’t know it was a surprise party, and this morning at work, he asked me at what time he was supposed to be there.

Now I have to fake to be surprised when I get home.

I even shake the keys a little more so they know I’m here.

‘Happy birthday!’ everyone yells as I open the door, and I do my best acting.

My dad and Lauren are here, obviously, as well as Mikey and a girl I assume is his girlfriend. Hambone, Eddie and all the guys from the band. Even Jamia and Jackie – this is going to be awkward. And the guest of honor, Emily too. I take her from her dad’s arms before he hugs me. ‘Happy birthday, babe,’ he whispers in my ear. ‘I hope you don’t mind. I wanted to celebrate you, and tell everyone we’re together.’

‘I love you.’ I try my best not to cry, but it’s impossible. I can’t believe I’m finally happy, and with the love of my life. What better way to celebrate.

And then I see her.

My mom.

Standing just a couple feet away.

That is actually a surprise.

I don’t even know how to feel.

I haven’t talked to her in a couple years, since I found out she wasn’t taking her meds so I confronted her. She said she didn’t need my help, and we both said things we shouldn’t have.

Before that, we used to be pretty close. Especially since I inherited her mental issues and had been dealing with them all my life. We understood each other. And I was obviously doing what was best for her. But she’s also stubborn as fuck – another thing I inherited, I guess –, and no matter how many times I called her afterwards, she never answered. And that hurt a lot because I needed her.

Then she had that breakdown, and they called me from the hospital, but she didn’t want to see me.

That broke me.

It hurt less to stay away than to try to call her and be ignored.

But I guess Gerard didn’t know that. And maybe I should have told him.

But she looks better now.

‘Mom,’ I say once I’m in front of her.

She just looks at me and hugs me. And that’s all it takes for me to start sobbing. ‘Happy birthday, Frankie.’

‘Thank you, mom. I missed you.’

‘I missed you, too.’

We stay like that for the longest time, and honestly, I don’t want to move from here. I needed my mom.

This is really the best day ever.

***

_ GERARD _

‘Mom,’ Frank says, pulling me closer. ‘I know you know him already, and that he was the one who invited you. But –’

Linda winks at me, and then Frank continues. ‘I guess I should introduce him as my boyfriend?’

‘I knew it!’ she says excited, and hugs both of us. ‘I knew since you brought him home. I knew there was something going on between you two.’

Frank and I can’t help laughing, nervously.

Back when we first met, eight or so years ago, Frank invited me over a couple times to show me some new songs he had, and I stayed for dinner. I guess I should have known. But he was already with Jamia back then, and he never made a move. But maybe it was obvious to others. Or it could be Linda’s mom instincts? Who knows.

But she was always nice, and we’d smoke and talk for hours.

I knew it was weird that Frank hadn’t mentioned her all this time, but I didn’t want to intrude in case there was something he didn’t want me to know. He didn’t seem to want to talk about it.

So I had to ask his dad. He told me she still lived in the same house. So I went to visit her, and told her I wanted to throw a surprise party for Frank, and she seemed excited.

I didn’t think a lot of it. Now I know something happened, though I’m not sure what, and I won’t ask. But Frank seems happy to see her, and that’s all it matters.

‘So you knew?’ he asks.

‘Of course! I know you, and I saw how you looked at him, and how you smiled when he came over.’

‘So I was that obvious?’ He takes my hand, and I feel shivers down my back.

‘Honey, you’re the worst liar.’

I have to laugh, because that’s true.

‘And who’s this pretty girl?’ she asks pointing at Emily, who’s in my arms.

Frank and I share a look. She just found out we’re dating now, and now there’s a baby. It’s not easy to explain. But he tries. ‘Mom, she’s Emily. She’s Gerard’s daughter.’

‘Gerard’s? So – you –’

‘It’s hard to explain. But we haven’t dated for a long time. Barely a couple months.’ He pauses. ‘You wanna go for a cigarette outside?’

She nods, and they head outside. I guess they do need some time alone.

It seems to be going well.

***

_ FRANK _

Gerard and Jackie serve dinner. They made a veggie casserole and my mom brought the famous Linda Iero lasagna.

Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, which I guess is nice. All I care about is Emily, so I play with her while my mom and Jamia talk, and Gerard and Mikey talk about comics

At some point, Tucker and Lexi show up, and they bring Geoff with them, which is nice. I hadn’t seen him in the longest time.

It’s a simple family gathering, but it means so much to have all this people here. And after all this time of being scared of being myself, it’s nice that they all seem to be okay with me and Gerard. It’s freeing.

When they bring out the cake, and they start singing, I can’t help tearing up a little.

_Happy birthday to you –_

It’s time to blow the candles, but to be honest, I don’t have anything to ask or wish for. Everything I need is here. I don’t need anything else.

I’m happy now.

So I just blow the candles, hoping for more of this.

I love my life as it is.

***

_ GERARD _

Everyone left a while ago, and as a birthday present, Jackie let Emily stay with us tonight because Frank didn’t want to let her go.

‘Thanks for inviting my mom,’ he says. ‘I really needed that.’

‘Of course.’ His lips are on mine, and I know it was all worth it. ‘Sorry I didn’t tell you.’

‘It was better this way. I would probably refuse.’

I want to ask what happened, but I stop myself. Instead, I have something else to ask. ‘You knew about the party, didn’t you?’

He just smiles. ‘I kinda did.’ But I appreciate him for pretending to be surprised. ‘My dad kinda let it out. I’m sorry.’

‘It’s fine. Thanks for lying.’

‘For you, always.’ We kiss again, but have to stop ourselves since Emily is sleeping in Frank’s arms. It’s the most adorable thing ever.

My perfect life.

He has Emily in his arms, and there couldn’t be a more perfect moment.

I’ve been planning this for a couple weeks, though I know it’s soon. But I have to.

‘Let me get her blanket,’ I say and go to the room.

Except when I come back, I don’t have the blanket, and I’m nervous as fuck.

I get on my knee and open the box in my hand. ‘Frank – you wanna marry me?’

He doesn’t say anything. He’s staring at me, mouth agape, but doesn’t reply.

I start talking again, because that’s what I do when I’m nervous. ‘I know it’s soon, but I want a family with you. And as soon as the divorce is done, I want to make you my husband.’ I smile, because that sounds nice.

‘Yes,’ he says. ‘Yes, fuck yes.’


	18. KEEP THE FAITH

**_SIX MONTHS LATER_ **

__

_ FRANK _

__

‘Have you found another job, honey?’ my mom asks.

Now that we’re talking again, I visit her at least every other day. Sometimes Emily and me stay here all day while Gerard is working. She loves my mom, and my mom loves her. And since I’m the one with only a part time job in the mornings, I’m usually the one taking care of her during the afternoons, so both Jackie and Gerard can work and don’t have to worry about nannies.

‘I’ve got an interview next week,’ I tell her. ‘It’s a venue for concerts. I’d be bartending and all that stuff. Maybe booking events, too.’

‘I hope you get it.’

‘You’re tired of me already?’ I joke.

‘Never.’ We’re cooking her famous lasagna for dinner, waiting for Gerard to join us. ‘I just want to see you happy. And I know you’re saving for your wedding.’

I smile at her. I don’t know how I made it without my mom for so long. I’m glad she’s here now, and she can be part of my wedding. ‘I still have some saving from the last time –’ I can’t help laughing a little at how my life turned around. I was engaged before and Gerard came and shook it up, turned it around, and now here we are.

‘What are you smiling about?’

‘Nothing. Just thinking about Gerard.’

She takes my face between her hands, squeezing my cheeks just like when I was younger. ‘You don’t know how happy it makes me that you guys are finally together, and how happy he makes you.’

‘He does.’

I pick up Emily from her chair, and carry her in my arms while I serve her food on a bowl. ‘And I love seeing this new dad side on you. It comes natural.’

‘To be honest, she makes it easy.’ She does. I never thought it’d be easy, and I know it took a while for Gerard to learn how to be a dad, but he was surprised when I didn’t have any trouble changing her diapers or feeding her. ‘I don’t know – I always wanted to be a dad.’

‘Would you like kids of your own?’

‘Oh, definitely. I mean, I don’t know what we’re going to do, we haven’t talked about that yet. And we agreed to wait until she was a little bit older. But I do want lots of kids.’

My mom hugs me, and it feels good. To talk about this sort of stuff with her, and joke around. We sit to watch a reality show my mom likes, laughing and talking about random stuff, while Emily starts to fall asleep in my arms.

I love my life.

***

_ GERARD _

__

When I make it to Linda’s house after work, my baby girl is sleeping in the room while my fiancé and mother in law are dancing in the middle of the living room.

‘Wow, you guys started the party without me?’ I say, and they immediately stop, which is a shame because I love these son-mother moments between them. I love how close they are, and always bringing each other’s goofy side.

Frank runs to me and kisses me. ‘How was work?’

‘Good. Finally finished that big project.’

‘Great! Let’s celebrate. Come and dance with us.’

‘But we’re going to wake Emily up.’

‘She’s a heavy sleeper, just like her dad. Now come with me.’

And I have no choice. Each of them takes a hand and we jump and dance and laugh.

Then, we have dinner, and talk about their day, all the TV shows they watched, Frank’s day at his dad’s shop, my day at the office, Emily. Mainly Emily. Her birthday is coming soon, and we talk about how bigger she is, and that she can say mom now.

I wish we could hang out all night, smoke outside, and talk more, but Frank and I have plans and we have to drop Emily off at Jackie’s place. ‘I’ll stop by on Sunday, mom,’ Frank says, and we’re off.

Thursday is playing in Hoboken today, and they put us on the guest list. We haven’t been to many shows after Frank’s last show with Leathermouth. Mainly because we’re working and taking care of the baby, and then the band broke up, and Frank never said anything, but he was a little sad about it, and was trying to avoid live shows at all costs. But it’s the Thursday guys, and we love them, and who knows when they’ll play in town again. We watch them from side stage, my arms around Frank’s waist, slow dancing to their songs.

Then, out of nowhere, or apparently unbeknownst to me, they announce that they have a guest guitar player for a song. ‘We weren’t planning on playing this song, but a dear friend insisted, so we invited him to play it with us. Come on, Frankie.’ And then, Frank is walking on stage, and someone hands him a guitar. He’s glowing. This is what he was born to do.

Geoff continues. ‘This is Jet Black New Year.’

That’s _our_ favorite song of theirs. Since way back then.

He looks – happy.

And I love seeing him like that. I love seeing him doing the thing he loves the most.

He turns to me a couple times and winks at me, and even at some point runs to me and gives me a quick kiss before running back.

I like this.

I want this life.

***

_ FRANK _

I missed this.

I missed being on stage, and losing myself in my guitar.

 _This_ is the only thing I want to do with my life. I’m sure.

When I asked Geoff if I could play _Jet Black_ , I only did it to be able to play again, and because I knew Gerard would love it. But now, I feel more sure than ever.

So when we’re backstage afterwards, chilling, and they mention they’re taking some time off while some of them work on other projects, I walk up to Tucker. ‘Hey –,’ I start, nervous as fuck, because I didn’t plan any of this. ‘I was wondering. I don’t know if you’re doing anything during this break, but I’m thinking of starting a band. And I want you to be the drummer.’

‘Sure, man! I would love that!’

‘Fine.’ It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can finally breath. Now I just need to find a bass player, and maybe another guitarist. Who knows.

When Gerard joins me, he asks me if everything’s okay. ‘You did great up there,’ he says, and I know he’s proud of me. A warm feeling in my stomach erupts and I can’t stop smiling.

‘Thank you.’ He pulls me closer and kisses my forehead, and I let him. This feels good. After a moment or two, I pull away and look straight into his eyes. ‘I’m starting another band,’ I say. ‘I want to do this for real.’


	19. THE DAY THAT STARTS IT ALL

NEW JERSEY, 2001

_Pencey Prep had played a show that night._

_As usual, Eyeball threw a house party afterwards, and everyone was there. No excuse was needed, just wanted to get wasted with friends. Some of the bigger bands flirted with random girls, and there was a lot of making out and getting high._

_Jamia had just left because she had to work the next morning, and Frank was drinking beers talking to Shaun and a guy he didn’t the name of, when Mikeyway, the intern kid, approached them. They all cheered for him because he was everyone’s little brother, and always chill. ‘Mikey, Mikey!’ someone said when he came through the door, and he greeted everyone and went straight to the kitchen where Frank and his friends were._

_‘Mikeyway!’ Frank said, already high as a kite._

_Someone offered Mikey a beer, as another guy in a hoodie walked over to him, looking like he didn’t want to be there. He had black, spikey hair, and a pointy nose, and looked kinda related to Mikey. ‘Oh, everyone! This is my brother, Gerard.’_

_They all greeted him, but Frank couldn’t stop looking at him. Even as high as he was, he knew something. He liked Gerard._

_He hadn’t thought like that about a guy in a while, but he knew this was different._

_Was it love at first sight?_

_Maybe?_

_He couldn’t stop wondering how would his lips taste, how would his skin feel pressed to his –_

_And then he was right in front of him, his big green eyes under those long lashes and that cute smile. Gosh, he was fucking cute. And he had to fight the urge to kiss him because he had a girlfriend now, and he couldn’t do that._

_If he only had met him a couple weeks ago._

_‘Hi,’ Gerard said, holding out a hand for him to shake._

_‘Hi,’ Frank replied, and then nothing. Just took his hand in his and didn’t want to let it go._

_‘That’s Frank,’ Mike said. ‘And he’s probably too baked right now.’_

_Frank giggled, because he was right. But that wasn’t the reason he was so nervous. He almost told Mikey that he wanted to bang his brother, but stopped himself, and offered Gerard a beer._

_Gerard mentioned he was an intern at Cartoon Network, and Frank was genuinely impressed. Almost drooling. He was so interesting! He was into all this nerdy stuff and he was so smart and knew Star Wars trivia, but he was also into Bowie and The Smashing Pumpkins and The Smiths._

_Was he in love with this guy?_

_Gerard went to art school, and Alex asked him if he could help with posters. ‘Yeah, sure,’ Gerard said, smiling shyly._

_They all started leaving the kitchen, but Frank wanted to keep talking to Gerard. Just know more about him, ask about his life, his dreams. Did he wanted to get married and have a family one day? ‘Hey –,’ he said, almost unaware of his own voice and moving forward. ‘You wanna go for a cigarette?’_

_Gerard stood there for a second, his hands hidden inside his hoodie pockets. And Frank could swear he saw something. A smile._

_Was he really thinking the same thing as Frank? Did he like him too?_

_‘Sure.’_

_So they went to the backyard, and Frank shared his last cigarette with him._

_They were quiet for a while, probably both thinking the same thing, both hearts beating fast and neither of them knowing what to say. It was like words weren’t needed._

_‘So – you have a band too?’ Gerard asked, the cigarette in the corner of his mouth while he talked with his crooked mouth and Frank thought that was sexy._

_‘Yeah,’ he said once his brain could comprehend the question._

_‘That’s awesome!’_

_‘Yeah, it’s called Pencey Prep. Maybe we could use help with posters too.’ He wanted another excuse to see Gerard again._

_‘Sure.’ They were quiet again. ‘Me and Mikey have always wanted to start a band.’_

_‘You should!’_

_They kept talking and once the cigarette was done, Frank rolled a joint, and they sat on the picnic table, far away from everyone. Gerard told him about a project he was working on, The Breakfast Monkey. Frank mentioned they had a gig coming and he should go._

_And then they lay down on the table, looking up at the night sky, the stars above them, and didn’t say anything else._

_Frank noticed the back of Gerard’s hand was touching his, and neither of them moved it, and just stayed like that, not wanting to ever move._

_He could hear his own heart beating and he closed his eyes, hoping one day he could hold his hand._

_He knew the odds were against him, but he could at least dream of marrying him one day, and it felt fucking good._


	20. UNTIL THE END OF EVERYTHING

_ FRANK _

I’m getting married tomorrow.

I’m fucking getting married to the love of my life, Gerard.

I can’t believe I’m able to say that.

After everything that we went through, all the years we spent apart, having to see each other behind our girls’ backs. Emily being born and everything that happened after.

I just need a minute to take it in.

So I take the cigarettes and go outside the apartment, lying on the grass and looking up at the stars. I still remember that night we met, smoking together at that party. The fucking odds.

‘What are you doing out here?’ I hear Gerard’s voice say. When I open my eyes, he’s there, looking down at me, smiling. God, I love him. ‘It’s two in the morning!’

‘I couldn’t sleep,’ I say. For a second I think he’s going to help me to get up and drag me inside, but he lies next to me and takes my cigarette.

‘Remember that night we met?’ he asks me.

I laugh because I didn’t think he’d remember. ‘Every day.’

‘I was fucking nervous. I thought you were one of the cool kids, smoking weed and in a band, and you’d never see me like that. And I didn’t think you liked dudes, and I was still trying to figure out myself.’

‘I’m glad you did.’

‘Me too.’

I turn to him. It’s been almost ten years since, and he hasn’t changed much. Except he finally lost his baby fat and decided to dye his hair a bright red just before the wedding. But I’m still that pothead kid who’s in love with him. ‘I love you since day one, you know?’

He laughs. ‘You’re so cheesy.’

‘I mean it. That day I knew it. I knew that I was in love with you and even imagined us getting married.’

‘Are you fucking kidding me?’

‘No.’ And I take his hand, just like I wish I’d done that day. ‘Til death do us apart, right?’

‘Till death do us apart.’

***

_GERARD_

I’m marrying Frank.

I’m about to walk down the aisle, my mom by my side, and marrying my best friend and the love of my life. I’m shaking and crying, and my mom has to calm me down or I won’t make it.

Linda and Frank pretty much organized the whole thing because it was a dream of theirs, Frank being her only child. It’s small, but for us is the biggest day of our lives.

They rented a small venue that’s usually used for concerts, but Frank thought that was perfect. A punk wedding.

We didn’t invite a lot of people. We just want our closest family and friends, people who were there for us.

‘It’s weird for me to say this, but I’m happy that this day finally came,’ Jackie says to me, fixing my suit. It _is_ kinda weird since the first time I did this, I was marrying her, but I guess we got used to this. Emily is the flower girl, and she looks so fucking cute in her pink dress. I can’t believe she’s almost two. Jackie give her the basket of petals and tells her to go to Uncle Mikey and throw petals on the floor, and off she goes.

The first notes of an instrumental version of Make You Feel My Love start playing, and that’s my cue.

I’m already tearing up as I head down the aisle. They’re happy tears because this is too much, and I never thought I’d be here.

My mom kisses me and takes a seat.

And then I see him.

He’s wearing a suit almost identical to mine, except he chose to wear black jeans instead because the pants were too big, and I’m more than okay with that because he looks great.

And he’s crying too.

Fuck, I’m lucky.

‘I love you,’ he says, taking my hand as soon as he gets closer.

‘I love you.’

I can’t hear a word of what Hambone – we made him get ordained so he could officiate the wedding – is saying because Frank has all my attention. His eyes, his hand in mine, the idea of spending the rest of our lives together, raising Emily and maybe more kids.

We exchange the rings, and say our vows. We keep it simple, because words aren’t enough to explain our history, or how we feel.

But him crying when they pronounce us husbands, or how we hold tight to each other after that. He keeps repeating he loves me and kisses me, telling me he never thought this could happen, but now we can call each other husband.

Emily comes running down to us, and Frank carries her in his arms.

I love my family.


	21. EPILOGUE: UNTIL THE END OF THIS WORLD

_ GERARD _

‘Emily! Let’s go!’ I yell.

Her eyes are still glued to the TV, and her toys are everywhere. ‘C’mon, pick up your toys, we have to go.’

‘But daddy!’

‘Don’t you want to go see Dad play?’

She nods and runs to me. I know she has to clean up, but I can’t say no to my princess.

She just turned four. Time has really flown by.

And to thing how life changed when she came along.

I get her in the car, and we’re off. Tonight is Frank’s first last of tour. He worked really hard making an album, mostly by himself, put a band together and now he’s finally going on tour. I couldn’t be prouder of him.

And I miss having him home.

It was only a month, but it was the longest month for us.

Security lets us in the parking lot of the venue, and they tell us the band is inside the bus.

***

_FRANK_

We still have an hour before our set, so we’re all hanging out in the bus before we head inside, when the door opens, and I hear the cutest giggle. ‘Daddy Frankie!’ And then, Emily runs to my arms.

‘Who is the cutest princess?’ I tell her, and then I see Gerard walking in.

‘Hey, hot stuff!’ he says, and kisses me. God, I missed him. ‘Welcome home.’

‘I missed you guys so much.’

Emily insists on doing the drummer’s nails, and he has no choice. Everyone in the band loves Emily and she loves the attention.

When it’s time to get on stage, both Gee and her come with me, and they watch me from side stage, Emily wearing her big pink headphones, and I start playing our first song.

‘Thanks for coming, everyone,’ I tell them. I can’t help notice it’s a sold out gig. I’d never play one before. Yes, it’s a small venue, but still. My parents and friends are here. Even Jam. But most importantly, the love of my life and Em. And suddenly, I get a little emotional. ‘So about five years ago, I used to work as bartender, not too far from here. And I somehow convinced my boss to let me play. And this one night, this guy came in, and my life changed forever. This song is about that.’

_I wanna try_ _  
I wanna live all night  
And burn out bright  
I want you to know what I can't show the outside  
It's why I hide_

After the show, we’re all in the bus celebrating. Our families, friends, everyone. Our first tour is over, and we’re home, but it was a great first tour. I honestly never thought we’d make it. But the album just came out, and is selling well, and we have another tour coming in the UK later this year.

I’m tired, talking to my dad, while Emily is falling asleep in my arms. I missed my girl so much. I know I’m not his biological dad or anything, but I’m thankful for Jackie letting me be part of her life.

Then, Gerard approaches, holding his phone and looking like someone told him we won the lottery. ‘It’s Naomi,’ he says.

Naomi.

She’s our surrogate mother.

I’ve been so out of it, so focused on the tour and now Gee and Emily that I almost forgot about Naomi.

‘It worked. She’s pregnant.’

_It worked._

_It worked._

‘We’re going to be dads,’ I say, almost in a whisper, just realizing the magnitude of the news. And then again. And when it finally hits me, I almost tear up.

I see my dad pulling Emily in his arms, so I get up and hug Gee. ‘WE’RE GOING TO BE DADS!’ I yell. I hear everyone cheer for us, but all I care about is my little family, which now is going to get bigger.

I don’t know how I ended up here, but I’ve never been happier.

_THE END_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING! :)   
> I'm gonna miss this story so much, but it was time, and I appreciate everyone who read it and gave it love


End file.
